That's all it is...fear. What are you scared of? Me?
The Dark, I blame my brother.
being alone.
missing out.
not doing what I should be.
making major mistakes.
I've been going and going and going for awhile, especially this week. As finals have been taken, bags packed up, and even good byes or see ya laters start but this feeling hadn't set it yet. As the day continued and people continued to leave the feeling started to sink in. You know that anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach, that feeling like whoa lets throw on the breaks. I'm starting to get that feeling. I get it everytime I go outside of my comfort box. Everytime I step into new area of life. Everytime it turns out great, or at least as a good experience. I can do anything but why do I get that anxious feeling? Why do I get that fear?
I don't like change, I never have but sometimes it has to happen. I can't wait to be settled and have consistency. Yes, college has been that for 3.5 years but the first year was rough and people are always coming and going. I just happen to be the person going this time.
I fear things will change like they always do.
that the relationships I've built are going to change.
I fear being left behind as a distant memory and picture on the wall.
I fear not being there in a time of need.
I fear closing myself off again.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
the beauty of growing up
Today it hit. I have just been trying not to think about it. Most people know I am moving to Nashville in a little over a month. I am leaving what has been home for 3.5 years. Today as I was driving I found myself looking around thinking, man everything has become so routine, I forget the beauty of what Bowling Green has brought to me, the joy, the friendships, the heartaches, the memories, the stress, the love, the triumphs. 3.5 years of growing into the person I have become through it all. It hit that I won't be driving these roads every day. It hit that I won't be walking up a hill, that I will no longer look at that red thing in the middle of campus and wonder what it is. I will no longer look into the faces of classmates only to see them a few hours later. I will no longer scrounge around looking for people to play in an intramural game so we don't have to forfeit. I will no longer get distracted from studying for a test.
That chapter in my life is over. These things may continue but in a different form. I'm growing up. I'm entering the real world. I get to see my education pay off. I get to see if I can make it on my own. I get to come back and smile because I know that people are still loving their life. I get to come back and be the person tackled to the ground because I was missed. I get take what I have learned at western and apply it. Most are probably thinking of things in a form of education but I'm thinking of things that are so much more.
My friends have taught me how to fight and how to make up. They have taught me how to grow up yet stay a kid. They have taught me how to trust again.
My whole experience has taught me about a God. A god that is always forgiving, that is always there with open arms, a loving God. Through my struggles, through my downfalls, through my sufferings, through my joys, He is there. He has given me the opportunity to see the world, to experience things, to build friendships, to reach outside of my comfort zone only to comfort me in my fears. To never give up because it really is in God's hands and no one elses, not even my own...especially not my own.
As I go on, I continue to grow. I continue to become the person God intended me to be. I will learn new things, I will find new roads to travel and new things to become familiar with. I make new memories. I will wonder new things. It's time for the chapter to close but the book to continue.
That chapter in my life is over. These things may continue but in a different form. I'm growing up. I'm entering the real world. I get to see my education pay off. I get to see if I can make it on my own. I get to come back and smile because I know that people are still loving their life. I get to come back and be the person tackled to the ground because I was missed. I get take what I have learned at western and apply it. Most are probably thinking of things in a form of education but I'm thinking of things that are so much more.
My friends have taught me how to fight and how to make up. They have taught me how to grow up yet stay a kid. They have taught me how to trust again.
My whole experience has taught me about a God. A god that is always forgiving, that is always there with open arms, a loving God. Through my struggles, through my downfalls, through my sufferings, through my joys, He is there. He has given me the opportunity to see the world, to experience things, to build friendships, to reach outside of my comfort zone only to comfort me in my fears. To never give up because it really is in God's hands and no one elses, not even my own...especially not my own.
As I go on, I continue to grow. I continue to become the person God intended me to be. I will learn new things, I will find new roads to travel and new things to become familiar with. I make new memories. I will wonder new things. It's time for the chapter to close but the book to continue.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
The Future
People ask all the time what's next. I even find myself asking the people I'm going to graduate with, well do you know what's next? I've thought and fought all semester trying to figure out what I should do after May. Yeah, I know its kinda far away, but you have to think ahead if you are considering grad school. I've taken all the necessary steps like take the GRE, get letters of recommendation together, finish school strongly.
Lots of people have listened to me stress about Nashville, stress about whats next, stress about life. It's taken a lot out of me, a lot out of my friendships, and a lot out of my parents. I think God for the people in my life that are patient enough with me to stick through it with me. I've been in a lot of thick lately without even knowing it. I can't say how much all of that means to me. The stand beside me in my funny times, usually pointing and laughing but still claiming me. They stand beside me when I fall to catch me or at least pick me up. In the next step of my life, I know they'll be there no matter what that step is but I have to make the decision.
The problem is, the decision... Nothing really feels right. I toss grad school around and it just doesn't seem right, not yet. I think about a job but what, where. I dont know what I want to do with my life or where I want to be. Take a year off? Not really an option. Missions? Maybe, but again I dont know how much of an option that is. Just keep praying and the answer will show itself, my patience is running out even though I really do have all the time in the world.
What is the future? What does the future hold? I dont know, but I'll find out soon enough. I hope you are around to find out and enjoy it with me!
Lots of people have listened to me stress about Nashville, stress about whats next, stress about life. It's taken a lot out of me, a lot out of my friendships, and a lot out of my parents. I think God for the people in my life that are patient enough with me to stick through it with me. I've been in a lot of thick lately without even knowing it. I can't say how much all of that means to me. The stand beside me in my funny times, usually pointing and laughing but still claiming me. They stand beside me when I fall to catch me or at least pick me up. In the next step of my life, I know they'll be there no matter what that step is but I have to make the decision.
The problem is, the decision... Nothing really feels right. I toss grad school around and it just doesn't seem right, not yet. I think about a job but what, where. I dont know what I want to do with my life or where I want to be. Take a year off? Not really an option. Missions? Maybe, but again I dont know how much of an option that is. Just keep praying and the answer will show itself, my patience is running out even though I really do have all the time in the world.
What is the future? What does the future hold? I dont know, but I'll find out soon enough. I hope you are around to find out and enjoy it with me!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
What's next
When somebody asks you what your dream is what's your response? For me I haven't had a response lately. I know that I poor my heart and soul into what I'm good at, what I love. I've always been good at giving my all, at going all in. However, lately I find myself tip toeing in the water, not ready to jump right in.
What's next for me? Nashville. Sports. Graduation. Life.
I've been freaking out lately cause my life is moving fast, faster than I expected. It all came at once, 18 hours in a semester, friends leaving, new friends coming, preparing for Nashville, grad school, GRE, I mean whoa. It sent me into a frenzy of what do I do? I'm not ready for a job, I'm not ready for real life so grad school seems like the right choice but what in? Do I tighten my spectrum and stay in sports, do I broaden my horizions and get my MBA? Where do I go? Am I ready? Did I mention that I'm thinking through all that and trying to enjoy my last semester in what I now call home? Crazy, right!
Truth is, today I looked at it from a whole new perspective. Is this really what I'm supposed to be doing? I've never been able to place myself in a career. I've never been really good at anything. What I love? Sports? yeah. But more than anything I love making a difference, I love seeing that smile when everything else is wrong in the world but just for a second nothing matters but the here and now. It's a beautiful thing, I live for those moments, not in myself but in other people. It makes it worth it. Sure I miss the smell of the dirt on a softbal field or that feeling you get when the buzzer goes off. But even more than that I miss pouring my heart out to somethign that matters.
Most people want to make the big bucks. Most people want to be comfortable. I'm not going to lie, I dont want to live pay check to pay check but I want to make somebody have that smile. You know the little kid smile that everybody has. When life is fun, no stress, no worries, just happiness. Yeah, I know happiness is a mood, not a destination. It comes and goes but I don't know if where I'm headed is the right direction.
I want to make a difference, I'm just not sure how. So whats the next step? Just to wake up and enjoy the day.
What's next for me? Nashville. Sports. Graduation. Life.
I've been freaking out lately cause my life is moving fast, faster than I expected. It all came at once, 18 hours in a semester, friends leaving, new friends coming, preparing for Nashville, grad school, GRE, I mean whoa. It sent me into a frenzy of what do I do? I'm not ready for a job, I'm not ready for real life so grad school seems like the right choice but what in? Do I tighten my spectrum and stay in sports, do I broaden my horizions and get my MBA? Where do I go? Am I ready? Did I mention that I'm thinking through all that and trying to enjoy my last semester in what I now call home? Crazy, right!
Truth is, today I looked at it from a whole new perspective. Is this really what I'm supposed to be doing? I've never been able to place myself in a career. I've never been really good at anything. What I love? Sports? yeah. But more than anything I love making a difference, I love seeing that smile when everything else is wrong in the world but just for a second nothing matters but the here and now. It's a beautiful thing, I live for those moments, not in myself but in other people. It makes it worth it. Sure I miss the smell of the dirt on a softbal field or that feeling you get when the buzzer goes off. But even more than that I miss pouring my heart out to somethign that matters.
Most people want to make the big bucks. Most people want to be comfortable. I'm not going to lie, I dont want to live pay check to pay check but I want to make somebody have that smile. You know the little kid smile that everybody has. When life is fun, no stress, no worries, just happiness. Yeah, I know happiness is a mood, not a destination. It comes and goes but I don't know if where I'm headed is the right direction.
I want to make a difference, I'm just not sure how. So whats the next step? Just to wake up and enjoy the day.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
it comes and it goes
I have began my senior year of college. It seems like yesterday that I was saying the same thing about high school. My summer is now in the rearview mirror, just a memory but still a strong feeling. I hit a strong emotional patch that is still teaching me constantly. It continually breaks my heart and with every break I come back stronger. A season of difficulty can lead to a season of beauty.
I'm not a big fan of change but not all change is bad. Things are different now but that doesn't mean they are bad. There has always been somebody older to go to, somebody that has been there but now there isn't. I am that person, we are those people. And as much as the "different" seems just that, different, it means that we rely on each other. We always have eachother. We get dirty with each other to find what Christ has in store for our lives. We live together knowing that we aren't perfect, we are flawed, but the beauty of life is that we are forgiven.
God gives us what we need when we need it. He is our provider, our lover, our savior. As he takes away, he gives. He has given me the opportunity to be involved with freshman, with new people on campus. He has given me the opportunity to lead and be there as a person, open, honest, truthful, afraid of no one's judgement but His.
Seasons come and go, people come and go, life comes and goes but God is constant, salvation is forever!
I'm not a big fan of change but not all change is bad. Things are different now but that doesn't mean they are bad. There has always been somebody older to go to, somebody that has been there but now there isn't. I am that person, we are those people. And as much as the "different" seems just that, different, it means that we rely on each other. We always have eachother. We get dirty with each other to find what Christ has in store for our lives. We live together knowing that we aren't perfect, we are flawed, but the beauty of life is that we are forgiven.
God gives us what we need when we need it. He is our provider, our lover, our savior. As he takes away, he gives. He has given me the opportunity to be involved with freshman, with new people on campus. He has given me the opportunity to lead and be there as a person, open, honest, truthful, afraid of no one's judgement but His.
Seasons come and go, people come and go, life comes and goes but God is constant, salvation is forever!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Moving On
Life is a story and every now and then a chapter ends and a new one begins. My current chapter is starting to come to a close. It's kind of scary, stressful, nerve racking, yet exciting and joyous and fun. One of my older friends told me when talking about graduation that you would know when the right time is to move on. I've worried for a while that I would never feel like it was the right time. It is what I have known for the past 4 years and who has made me into the truely independent young adult I am. Plus who really wants to go out into that scarey world, especially by themselves?
I've never known what I wanted to do with my life and to this day I still don't know what my dream job would be. Some days it is to work and plan a summer camp, some days I'd love to be in an office and have a "normal job", and sometimes I would like to do something just completely different from everybody else. I've worked in minor league baseball all summer and in the fall I'll be moving on to somewhere different, something different (TBA). What I have learned in this that I'm ready to move on.
I like to think of being prepared to move on versus just graduating and being thrown into the real world like waking up on your own versus waking up to an alarm clock. Ususally when you wake up on your own you feel more rested and ready to go, kind of like you are on your own time. You make the decision to get out of bed and start the day. When you are prepared to move on you usually know the next step, feel like its on your own time, and have control. Whereas when the alarm clock goes off you are forced to get out of bed and go do whatever you have to do for the day. This is how I compare being thrown into the real world. You are forced into something that you may not be ready for it. You may not like it but you have to do it anyways.
For me I think I finally woke up on my own tonight and found myself ready to move on. I may still be nervous, scared, excited, uneasy, or whatever but I also feel prepared...
I've never known what I wanted to do with my life and to this day I still don't know what my dream job would be. Some days it is to work and plan a summer camp, some days I'd love to be in an office and have a "normal job", and sometimes I would like to do something just completely different from everybody else. I've worked in minor league baseball all summer and in the fall I'll be moving on to somewhere different, something different (TBA). What I have learned in this that I'm ready to move on.
I like to think of being prepared to move on versus just graduating and being thrown into the real world like waking up on your own versus waking up to an alarm clock. Ususally when you wake up on your own you feel more rested and ready to go, kind of like you are on your own time. You make the decision to get out of bed and start the day. When you are prepared to move on you usually know the next step, feel like its on your own time, and have control. Whereas when the alarm clock goes off you are forced to get out of bed and go do whatever you have to do for the day. This is how I compare being thrown into the real world. You are forced into something that you may not be ready for it. You may not like it but you have to do it anyways.
For me I think I finally woke up on my own tonight and found myself ready to move on. I may still be nervous, scared, excited, uneasy, or whatever but I also feel prepared...
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
thinking like a child
I'm doing some catch up reading for the summer instead of packing to move to my new apt. I like to put off the things I need to do by doing the things I never do. One of those things is reading. The book im reading right now allows for a lot of the outside the box thinking. One thing that hit me is that if you can explain things to kids than you really understand them. Then again the simpler the terms something is in the easier it is to understand.
I've found that this is true with most things in life. Having dealt with kids a lot in the past couple of years I like thinking and acting like a kid. It causes things to be simpler and easier. Kids usually take things for what they are instead of trying to think them through. We are called to approach God with a childlike faith/attitude. We try so often to out think God and get one step ahead but we never can.
I've found that this is true with most things in life. Having dealt with kids a lot in the past couple of years I like thinking and acting like a kid. It causes things to be simpler and easier. Kids usually take things for what they are instead of trying to think them through. We are called to approach God with a childlike faith/attitude. We try so often to out think God and get one step ahead but we never can.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
slowly but surely
Most people know that I'm stubborn, hard headed, and extremely independent. I'm going to do things on my own time and when I'm ready. I've been this way ever since I was a little kid. I mean there is a picture of me in my crib when I first learned how to pull myself up that says it all. Now 21 years old why should anything be any different? It make take me a while but eventually I come around and get my head on straight. Lots has happened this summer and I may not be exactly where I need to be but I'm finally feeling like there is an upswing. Here are some of my personal realizations I've made if not the past few days, ive realized them this summer.
1) When times get tough it becomes tough to know who to depend on to be there. I've learned that God will always be there, yeah its a reoccuring lesson but sometimes it needs to be reinforced.
2) I've relyed on people or materalistic things to get me through when really the only thing that will is Christ.
3) It's okay to be upset and mad at God as long as you don't deny the truth that He sent His one and only son to die for you and your screw ups.
4)The hard things in life come to make us stronger, without them where would we be? how would we learn? how would we grow?
5)I need to stop thinking that people are going to leave, I've really found solid friends that are going to be there no matter what.
6) No matter how fast we try to run from God, He will always be there. The famous saying you can run but you can't hide doesn't apply to Him.
7)I've decided that I try and do too much instead of listening but really letting God have control over it all. I'm a fixer and a doer but really I can't fix or do anything, it's all God.
8)As humans we have a tendency to listen tell people what they want to hear instead of what they need to hear.
9)I've learned that we don't always push people towards Christ like we should, we tend to just let people say what they want.
10) I personally feel like we don't say or show people love enough. So much of the time all someone needs to hear is I love you followed by a hug. People seem to busy to stop and make sure that the people they truely care about feel loved and cared about.
Some of these have to do with what I have been going through lately. Some have to do with dealing with the death of multiple people I've known this summer, some have to do with friendships and people moving on, some have to do with the disappointments I've met this summer. All of them in one way or another deal with the ups and downs of christianity and that as a 21 year old college student striving to be a christian in the midst of lifes curveballs.
God will never leave you or forsake you. My God is just that MY GOD. the last sermon I listened to of my grandfather's is psalm 23. In it He talks about how God is after you. He will put all the sheep away and go searching for the lost the sheep. To be honest I've felt like the last sheep lately. However, I had my wake up call a couple of days ago. It may take me awhile but I catch on eventually. The walk up the mountain isn't always easy but I know I'll be stronger for it.
1) When times get tough it becomes tough to know who to depend on to be there. I've learned that God will always be there, yeah its a reoccuring lesson but sometimes it needs to be reinforced.
2) I've relyed on people or materalistic things to get me through when really the only thing that will is Christ.
3) It's okay to be upset and mad at God as long as you don't deny the truth that He sent His one and only son to die for you and your screw ups.
4)The hard things in life come to make us stronger, without them where would we be? how would we learn? how would we grow?
5)I need to stop thinking that people are going to leave, I've really found solid friends that are going to be there no matter what.
6) No matter how fast we try to run from God, He will always be there. The famous saying you can run but you can't hide doesn't apply to Him.
7)I've decided that I try and do too much instead of listening but really letting God have control over it all. I'm a fixer and a doer but really I can't fix or do anything, it's all God.
8)As humans we have a tendency to listen tell people what they want to hear instead of what they need to hear.
9)I've learned that we don't always push people towards Christ like we should, we tend to just let people say what they want.
10) I personally feel like we don't say or show people love enough. So much of the time all someone needs to hear is I love you followed by a hug. People seem to busy to stop and make sure that the people they truely care about feel loved and cared about.
Some of these have to do with what I have been going through lately. Some have to do with dealing with the death of multiple people I've known this summer, some have to do with friendships and people moving on, some have to do with the disappointments I've met this summer. All of them in one way or another deal with the ups and downs of christianity and that as a 21 year old college student striving to be a christian in the midst of lifes curveballs.
God will never leave you or forsake you. My God is just that MY GOD. the last sermon I listened to of my grandfather's is psalm 23. In it He talks about how God is after you. He will put all the sheep away and go searching for the lost the sheep. To be honest I've felt like the last sheep lately. However, I had my wake up call a couple of days ago. It may take me awhile but I catch on eventually. The walk up the mountain isn't always easy but I know I'll be stronger for it.
Monday, July 5, 2010
God's sending
I've found that God has a funny way of sending people into your life. He provides the people you need at the times you need them. There are 5 people that I spent all summer with last summer that helped me in ways I can't say. We live around the country and still stay in contact. God has sent me many great friends at western that I don't know what I would do without them.
Sometimes God sends people into your life for a season, sometimes a lifetime. I've found that when I say good bye to people who lose their lives it's difficult but I know nothing bad can happen to them anymore. There is no hurt, no suffer. Sometimes I don't understand why lives are taken so early but I know that it is God's planning. Sometimes I don't understand why He allows people to suffer through the end of their lives but again it is all in God's planning.
However, when you think a friendship that will last a lifetime begins to come to an end of a season you ask why. You find that it is much harder to let go. I think back to some of my seasonal friendships and find that there is a spot that still loves them and cares for them. I think that is the way it is supposed to be. I have to trust in God and know that everything in this crazy human life of ours is in his planning and that he will countine to send people in your life.
Sometimes God sends people into your life for a season, sometimes a lifetime. I've found that when I say good bye to people who lose their lives it's difficult but I know nothing bad can happen to them anymore. There is no hurt, no suffer. Sometimes I don't understand why lives are taken so early but I know that it is God's planning. Sometimes I don't understand why He allows people to suffer through the end of their lives but again it is all in God's planning.
However, when you think a friendship that will last a lifetime begins to come to an end of a season you ask why. You find that it is much harder to let go. I think back to some of my seasonal friendships and find that there is a spot that still loves them and cares for them. I think that is the way it is supposed to be. I have to trust in God and know that everything in this crazy human life of ours is in his planning and that he will countine to send people in your life.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
summer livin'
Summer livin hasn't really been a blast this summer. Prewarning: this blog post may be a bit of downer but thats the way things have been lately. My realizations of growing up and the things that were lost along the way.
I haven't really stopped since at least christmas. I went to australia and new zealand, came back started class, started work, ended class, went to chicago (for the night), and put 3000 miles on my car driving between nashville and louisville. its july 4 and things are slowing down anytime soon but I'm hoping they will start to look up. The month of june has held 3 weddings and 2 funerals. Many of you know that my grandfather died about a week ago. It was my first grandparent to go. Most of you know also know that my grandfather was sick and it was his time to go. However as much as you prepare yourself you can never be prepared and as okay asyou want to be with it there is always something that makes you not so okay with it. As of right now I have my moments. I've been having my moments with everything.
I told my mom that my glass was full and when one little thing happened it overflowed the glass. The things that may be nothing when nothing else is going on seem to be very big deals to me right now. Everything bothers me to an extent, im on edge with just about everything. I'm ready for life to be back to normal but what is normal?
For me normal has always been school maybe a sport maybe a couple organizations and some friends. I've realized that in 6 months this won't be the norm for me anymore. I dont know whats next. There is a bit of fear and a bit of excitement installed in me. I have lots of options so everything is really okay in my mind whats not okay is the friendships I've had along the way. I have anxiety about being a senior because of my last senior year. I've always managed my friendships with people who are younger or older than me better than I have with people my own age. However as I look back on the past three years I see that the people I came in as freshman with have been there, we've all been through a lot together. I've also realized that through the past 3 years these friendships have just been there, sometimes they require a little work but not always. This summer I've gotten a taste of what it will be like to be a college graduate and move on to the next phase of life. I've realized that friendships take work, they are a challenge but if you work at it, they work. However it has to be a two way street. The fact that I have seen this happen this summer increases my anxiety.
I'm not ready to move on, I'm not ready for change. I'm ready to have some normalcy back in my life. I'm ready for the water level in my cup to descend some. As much as i want to crawl in a hole and disappear for a while or run away from lifes problems, I know and have learned that sooner or later you have to stand up and go to battle; for you friendships, for you family, for you time, and really for your own sanity.
I haven't really stopped since at least christmas. I went to australia and new zealand, came back started class, started work, ended class, went to chicago (for the night), and put 3000 miles on my car driving between nashville and louisville. its july 4 and things are slowing down anytime soon but I'm hoping they will start to look up. The month of june has held 3 weddings and 2 funerals. Many of you know that my grandfather died about a week ago. It was my first grandparent to go. Most of you know also know that my grandfather was sick and it was his time to go. However as much as you prepare yourself you can never be prepared and as okay asyou want to be with it there is always something that makes you not so okay with it. As of right now I have my moments. I've been having my moments with everything.
I told my mom that my glass was full and when one little thing happened it overflowed the glass. The things that may be nothing when nothing else is going on seem to be very big deals to me right now. Everything bothers me to an extent, im on edge with just about everything. I'm ready for life to be back to normal but what is normal?
For me normal has always been school maybe a sport maybe a couple organizations and some friends. I've realized that in 6 months this won't be the norm for me anymore. I dont know whats next. There is a bit of fear and a bit of excitement installed in me. I have lots of options so everything is really okay in my mind whats not okay is the friendships I've had along the way. I have anxiety about being a senior because of my last senior year. I've always managed my friendships with people who are younger or older than me better than I have with people my own age. However as I look back on the past three years I see that the people I came in as freshman with have been there, we've all been through a lot together. I've also realized that through the past 3 years these friendships have just been there, sometimes they require a little work but not always. This summer I've gotten a taste of what it will be like to be a college graduate and move on to the next phase of life. I've realized that friendships take work, they are a challenge but if you work at it, they work. However it has to be a two way street. The fact that I have seen this happen this summer increases my anxiety.
I'm not ready to move on, I'm not ready for change. I'm ready to have some normalcy back in my life. I'm ready for the water level in my cup to descend some. As much as i want to crawl in a hole and disappear for a while or run away from lifes problems, I know and have learned that sooner or later you have to stand up and go to battle; for you friendships, for you family, for you time, and really for your own sanity.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
update
I feel like there is so much to write about. A little over a week ago I joined up with Infinity at Clarksville. Clarksville was one of my camp sites last year. When I got there there were so many returning campers who ran up to me and hugged me, parents who felt an extra comfort seeing a familiar face. When the older boys ran over to me and wouldn't leave my side, it was exactly what I needed. I needed somebody to want to be around me as much as I wanted to be around them. Its amazing how God can play tricks on you. I knew I was going for me, to go have fun, and be nosey about the team but he was really preparing my heart for what was to come. He was teaching me and telling me to get my head back on, straight this time.
I miss camp but I know I'm not supposed to be a part of that team. I'm supposed to be where I am. As much as I may want to disagree with God and ask really or why I accept where I am. I believe the people that have been placed in my life recently are there for this season in my life. See Monday when camp was over I pulled out my phone (it was so relaxing not to have it all day) I had 4 missed calls and a text from my mom. My grandfather was in the hospital. I told the staff and left. I headed home after a long day.
My grandfather wasn't expected to make through the night, but he did. He continues to make it, we continue to wait. Watching while every breath may be his last, trying to go on with life, when your heart skips a beat everytime I hear my parents ring tone. It doesn't make life any easier. I may not know the answer to why.
I dont know the answer to why Corey was killed. 5 days ago 3 guys i grew up with were in a wreck, one died. The other two are thankfully alive and are going to be fine. Its hard to see a young friend in a casket and knowing that in a couple of weeks you'll prolly have to bury someone who has lived such a long and richful life.
No matter what we go through we can't fully understand what someone else is feeling. All we can do is be there for one another and support one another. We look for God's strength because our only is simply not enough. We also forgot the most important part of life and that is to live and to love. To live like it were your last moment yet love others as if they were leaving you in the next moment.
I miss camp but I know I'm not supposed to be a part of that team. I'm supposed to be where I am. As much as I may want to disagree with God and ask really or why I accept where I am. I believe the people that have been placed in my life recently are there for this season in my life. See Monday when camp was over I pulled out my phone (it was so relaxing not to have it all day) I had 4 missed calls and a text from my mom. My grandfather was in the hospital. I told the staff and left. I headed home after a long day.
My grandfather wasn't expected to make through the night, but he did. He continues to make it, we continue to wait. Watching while every breath may be his last, trying to go on with life, when your heart skips a beat everytime I hear my parents ring tone. It doesn't make life any easier. I may not know the answer to why.
I dont know the answer to why Corey was killed. 5 days ago 3 guys i grew up with were in a wreck, one died. The other two are thankfully alive and are going to be fine. Its hard to see a young friend in a casket and knowing that in a couple of weeks you'll prolly have to bury someone who has lived such a long and richful life.
No matter what we go through we can't fully understand what someone else is feeling. All we can do is be there for one another and support one another. We look for God's strength because our only is simply not enough. We also forgot the most important part of life and that is to live and to love. To live like it were your last moment yet love others as if they were leaving you in the next moment.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
old time sake
The ping of the ball hitting the bat, the smack of a ball in a glove, the smell of dirt, the fimilar calls of an umpire or the crowd. I know all these very well. I've been around them all my life. Yes, I work at a baseball field but its different. It's different going to a softball tournament and thinking back to when you were a player instead of just a spectator. This is what I did with my life, I thought of the past and enjoyed how those things use to make me feel. I've found this summer that I dont have a destresser. I don't have anything to clearn my head or calm my heart. I don't have a sounding board, an achor, I'm running in thin air on an empty tank. Today was a day of renewal. As much as today was I came back to the reality of bowling green realizing that all my stresses and all my anxieties were here waiting on me. I've come to realization that I'm good at walking away but im bad at confrontation, I'm bad at hitting things head on. I dont want to do it, I'm slightly afraid of the outcomes, and to be honest I'd rather be the host to the hurt feelings than potentionally hurt anyone else. Not much has changed since high school after all.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
chicken with my head cut off
Lately life has been so crazy but at the same time it hasn't. My life has been consumed by baseball. Most people would say, hey thats the life! It is when you are playing and you have fallen in love with what you are doing. It can be the life. I feel like I've spent every waking hour there. I get up go the ballpark, spend anywhere from 7-13 hours there, come home, shower, and go to bed only to do it all over again the next day. Yeah, we are in the middle of a 13 game home strech but it makes me wonder if I'm really goin to love what I do. It makes me worry inside what if I can't actually do what I want to do, where do I go from there?
The part that kills me is that I feel like I haven't made any time for my friends and family. Any time I'm out its with people from the park. Any free time I have I just want to sleep or just chill out. I miss my friends, I miss my life. I miss home. I haven't been home since Easter. I did go home for Derby but it freaked me out and I came straight back to school. I miss spending quality time with my parents. I miss the summer nights out by the fire. Life is different now and I'm not ready to accept it. I'm not ready to accept that life as I have always known it is slipping through my fingers and its time for my to grow up and move on.
The part that kills me is that I feel like I haven't made any time for my friends and family. Any time I'm out its with people from the park. Any free time I have I just want to sleep or just chill out. I miss my friends, I miss my life. I miss home. I haven't been home since Easter. I did go home for Derby but it freaked me out and I came straight back to school. I miss spending quality time with my parents. I miss the summer nights out by the fire. Life is different now and I'm not ready to accept it. I'm not ready to accept that life as I have always known it is slipping through my fingers and its time for my to grow up and move on.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
full circle
This time last year I was preparing to go to camp. Part of me was excited because I was doing what seemed like everybody else was doing. I was going to travel, play sports, hang out with kids, and do my whole summer for God. Part of me was scared to death. I had to trust God more than I ever had before. I was going to Nashville to meet up with a bunch of people I had never met, set in a van for hours, and spend 8 weeks with people I knew nothing about. I didn't know if I was prepared, I didn't know if I could handle it, I had no idea what God had in store for me. I learned that it was the best summer of my life.
This summer roled around and I learned that I have to be a big kid and do something instead of camp. My heart was still with camp but I knew that I was supposed to move on. After all that has been the phrase I can't seem to get stuck in my head, move on. Move on, its been the catch phrase for my grandparents house, for people graduation, and for the fears I face in my future. This summer I'm in Bowling Green. Many of my friends are here, many of us doing something this summer that we have never done before, big kid jobs aka internships aka growing up. I move into this summer excited and scared. I'm excited to being in sports again, sometimes dealing with little kids, being around my friends instead of just writing letters or random phone calls. However, I'm scared of not getting away and focusing on one single thing...God. I'm scared of having all this free time on my hands and being alone so much. I'm scared of losing focus. This summer is the summer where we get tested of what our true character is, our true colors. How we really live our life because eventually the summer ends, camp ends, and live goes on.
I think that every season of life has a reason to exist. Camp existed to change my life, to show me what life is really all about, to discover my true passion. This summer has a new lesson, a new reason to exist and I dont know what that is. All I know is that my goal is to make it one more summer of a lifetime. My goal is to live as if I were at camp because that is the passion we are supposed to always have for God. It's time to take what I learned and apply it. It is finally time to move on....
This summer roled around and I learned that I have to be a big kid and do something instead of camp. My heart was still with camp but I knew that I was supposed to move on. After all that has been the phrase I can't seem to get stuck in my head, move on. Move on, its been the catch phrase for my grandparents house, for people graduation, and for the fears I face in my future. This summer I'm in Bowling Green. Many of my friends are here, many of us doing something this summer that we have never done before, big kid jobs aka internships aka growing up. I move into this summer excited and scared. I'm excited to being in sports again, sometimes dealing with little kids, being around my friends instead of just writing letters or random phone calls. However, I'm scared of not getting away and focusing on one single thing...God. I'm scared of having all this free time on my hands and being alone so much. I'm scared of losing focus. This summer is the summer where we get tested of what our true character is, our true colors. How we really live our life because eventually the summer ends, camp ends, and live goes on.
I think that every season of life has a reason to exist. Camp existed to change my life, to show me what life is really all about, to discover my true passion. This summer has a new lesson, a new reason to exist and I dont know what that is. All I know is that my goal is to make it one more summer of a lifetime. My goal is to live as if I were at camp because that is the passion we are supposed to always have for God. It's time to take what I learned and apply it. It is finally time to move on....
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
It is time
It is time to step up to the plate. It is time to let go and take a leap of faith. It is just time...
Last night was our senior night for 180. Lots of memories flooded my mind. The influences they have made and how they have helped shape me into the person I am today. Chase spoke and all of a sudden as I find myself suffering with thoughts of my grandparents I flash back to when it all started my freshman year. I can see myself eyes filled with tears and he hugs me. It was the first feeling I got that these people are really here to love on me. As I look around I see Matt aka papa bear, jacob, ashley. All thse people will be playing different roles in my life next semester. I can't stop to think what my life would be without them. The awesome thing is that I don't have to. God placed these people in my life for a solid reason.
I walked over to matt who was there from the beginning. He hugged me and spoke to me before I had the chance to say anything. His words of encouragment and sincere thankfulness broke me down. I walk over to Jacob, the late night drives and the spontaneous moments make our friendship. And ashley, there isn't much to say but how much I love her. Shes taught me more about myself than I ever thought I could know or comprehend. Then there is emily, she already graduated and we got lucky enough to have her around for another year. She has been right there with me through it all, knowing when to provide a shoulder and when to pick up a glove.
There are just some of the guys who have made my college experience what it has been. There are so many people that are still going to be around next year but to my seniors, I say thank you. I wouldn't be the person I am today without you. You have shown me that it is okay to trust again, you've shown me that it's okay to show my emotions. you've shown me what its like to live and love like christ. My excitement for each of you exceeds my sadness of not seeing you day in and day out.
To those who are still going to be around it is time. time to step up and invest. It is time to be the leaders we are meant to be. It is time to pay it forward and give the underclassmen what our seniors gave us, love. I was lucky enough to be in a cluster this year that helped me realize that when we come together its not all about business, its about investment, love, encouragment, and sometimes just pure fun and laughter. I continue to learn, grow, and be surprised but most importantly enjoy the season that God has allowed me to have at the current time.
Last night was our senior night for 180. Lots of memories flooded my mind. The influences they have made and how they have helped shape me into the person I am today. Chase spoke and all of a sudden as I find myself suffering with thoughts of my grandparents I flash back to when it all started my freshman year. I can see myself eyes filled with tears and he hugs me. It was the first feeling I got that these people are really here to love on me. As I look around I see Matt aka papa bear, jacob, ashley. All thse people will be playing different roles in my life next semester. I can't stop to think what my life would be without them. The awesome thing is that I don't have to. God placed these people in my life for a solid reason.
I walked over to matt who was there from the beginning. He hugged me and spoke to me before I had the chance to say anything. His words of encouragment and sincere thankfulness broke me down. I walk over to Jacob, the late night drives and the spontaneous moments make our friendship. And ashley, there isn't much to say but how much I love her. Shes taught me more about myself than I ever thought I could know or comprehend. Then there is emily, she already graduated and we got lucky enough to have her around for another year. She has been right there with me through it all, knowing when to provide a shoulder and when to pick up a glove.
There are just some of the guys who have made my college experience what it has been. There are so many people that are still going to be around next year but to my seniors, I say thank you. I wouldn't be the person I am today without you. You have shown me that it is okay to trust again, you've shown me that it's okay to show my emotions. you've shown me what its like to live and love like christ. My excitement for each of you exceeds my sadness of not seeing you day in and day out.
To those who are still going to be around it is time. time to step up and invest. It is time to be the leaders we are meant to be. It is time to pay it forward and give the underclassmen what our seniors gave us, love. I was lucky enough to be in a cluster this year that helped me realize that when we come together its not all about business, its about investment, love, encouragment, and sometimes just pure fun and laughter. I continue to learn, grow, and be surprised but most importantly enjoy the season that God has allowed me to have at the current time.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Heart Issues
Throughout the semester I've learned about heart issues. Jealousy, anger, greed those types of things. They all stem out of one's heart and held in emotions. Andy Stanley talks about how we hold onto emotions. It's like putting them in a backpack. We go through seasons of our life and things change but we are always holding onto this backpack. Eventually this backpack starts to weigh us down. I've had to check my own heart, I've had to realize what I've been holding on to for years, what is truely weighing me down. I've had to look deep in my heart and forgive people, truely honestly forgive them. Its one thing to say I'm sorry but dont say its ok, which usually happens because it is not okay but you can be forgiven. So when I have said its ok but it hasn't been ok I still forgive or at least am trying to forgive you.
I look back in high school and I see the girls who "had it all" You know the stereotypical high school life. I wasn't jealous of it but I wanted to blend in. Part of me enjoyed standing out and being my own individualistic person but part of me wanted what they had because it came with no questions, that was life and what was expected. I was jealous of the people who constantly had fun with their friends,until I got that. Then I got angry with my friends. I felt like they were leaving me out and that I didn't fit with them either. Eventually my anxiety caught up with me and eventually it all came tumbling down. I got mad at myself because I'm good at blaming myself for everything even if there is hardly any way for it be my fault I find that way. It's easier for me to blame myself than to blame anybody else. I can deal with it.
Now I've hit college. I find that I'm in another season of my life but I'm still angry from my friends in high school. I'm still angry at myself. I need to let go. I need to let people in. I need to be emotional about it and deal with it all. I need to move on. However, I find myself angry now because I see new situations that resimble those of my past. I'm no longer invited to where my friends are going and it bothers me because thats how it started in the past. I compare situations of the present to situations of the past. It makes me angry because I want to have fun and I feel like I can't because of all the emotion in my life right now. I feel like I'm missing out. It also leads to jealousy. I see my friends having fun, I see the pictures, and I want that. I'm jealous of the time they have, the memories they've made, and the resumes theyve built.
It all starts with my heart and where it is. I want the best for people and anybody that knows me knows that I truely care about people, more than I care about myself. I would do anything for them at any given time. However when I put my own emotions to the side it buts more baggage in my backpack. It makes it heavier and harder for me to hold myself up. My mom said that its like the oxygen masks on a plane, help yourself before helping others. If you don't help yourself you can't help the others to the best of your ability. Its nothing short of the truth. I can't help other people until I help myself.
These issues are issues of my heart. My heart needs to be healed. My heart needs to feel no jealously, no anger. What you speak of must first come from your heart for you to truely believe it. Romans 10:9, 10 says it plan and simple. Confess with your mouth and believe in your heart. Give it to God, He is the only thing that can take away your heart issues.
I look back in high school and I see the girls who "had it all" You know the stereotypical high school life. I wasn't jealous of it but I wanted to blend in. Part of me enjoyed standing out and being my own individualistic person but part of me wanted what they had because it came with no questions, that was life and what was expected. I was jealous of the people who constantly had fun with their friends,until I got that. Then I got angry with my friends. I felt like they were leaving me out and that I didn't fit with them either. Eventually my anxiety caught up with me and eventually it all came tumbling down. I got mad at myself because I'm good at blaming myself for everything even if there is hardly any way for it be my fault I find that way. It's easier for me to blame myself than to blame anybody else. I can deal with it.
Now I've hit college. I find that I'm in another season of my life but I'm still angry from my friends in high school. I'm still angry at myself. I need to let go. I need to let people in. I need to be emotional about it and deal with it all. I need to move on. However, I find myself angry now because I see new situations that resimble those of my past. I'm no longer invited to where my friends are going and it bothers me because thats how it started in the past. I compare situations of the present to situations of the past. It makes me angry because I want to have fun and I feel like I can't because of all the emotion in my life right now. I feel like I'm missing out. It also leads to jealousy. I see my friends having fun, I see the pictures, and I want that. I'm jealous of the time they have, the memories they've made, and the resumes theyve built.
It all starts with my heart and where it is. I want the best for people and anybody that knows me knows that I truely care about people, more than I care about myself. I would do anything for them at any given time. However when I put my own emotions to the side it buts more baggage in my backpack. It makes it heavier and harder for me to hold myself up. My mom said that its like the oxygen masks on a plane, help yourself before helping others. If you don't help yourself you can't help the others to the best of your ability. Its nothing short of the truth. I can't help other people until I help myself.
These issues are issues of my heart. My heart needs to be healed. My heart needs to feel no jealously, no anger. What you speak of must first come from your heart for you to truely believe it. Romans 10:9, 10 says it plan and simple. Confess with your mouth and believe in your heart. Give it to God, He is the only thing that can take away your heart issues.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
The power of prayer
Many of us express our concerns, our hurts, our fears, etc in the form of prayer request. We trust that people will pray over them. We say we will, we say we do but do we really? I've realized how important it is to follow through not only on that statement alone but on our word. Many of the times there are no words to comfort, there is no problem to fix. It just is what it is. Alll we can do is lift it to god. God can comfort us and be our strength.
God is powerful and all things can be done through him. He can heal the sick and preform all kinds of miracles. He can be the superglue that holds it all together. We must let go of our own pride, of I can take care of it, I can do it, and truely break ourselves of ourselves and let god do what he does. We may not understand it, we probably wont understand it but that is why god is god and we must trust him with all we have. We must pray for one another and believe he can. Its ok to be upset and angry but we must find joy in who he is and what he is capable of. Give it to him, he is all powerful and in control
God is powerful and all things can be done through him. He can heal the sick and preform all kinds of miracles. He can be the superglue that holds it all together. We must let go of our own pride, of I can take care of it, I can do it, and truely break ourselves of ourselves and let god do what he does. We may not understand it, we probably wont understand it but that is why god is god and we must trust him with all we have. We must pray for one another and believe he can. Its ok to be upset and angry but we must find joy in who he is and what he is capable of. Give it to him, he is all powerful and in control
Friday, April 23, 2010
The fear of our generation
I see our generation as a generation that is very goal oriented instead of people oriented. We care less and less about each other and being there for one another. Instead we focus on what activities we are in, how we can move up the ladder of success, our jobs, how much money we make and all the materalistic things in this world. When times get tough we rarely look to each other for support and help because everybody is too busy in their own thing.
When people get hurt we rarely step up to the plate and fill in responsibility. We find it harder to let go of our own selfish desires to fulfil responsibility in work, school, organizations, and anything else. We hurt for our friends and family but thats it. As humans we want to go fix it and do something when really there is nothing to do but stop and comfort those who are hurting. There is nothing to do but to step up to the plate and be there instead of just saying I'm there.
"Words are just words until you put actions behind them"
When people get hurt we rarely step up to the plate and fill in responsibility. We find it harder to let go of our own selfish desires to fulfil responsibility in work, school, organizations, and anything else. We hurt for our friends and family but thats it. As humans we want to go fix it and do something when really there is nothing to do but stop and comfort those who are hurting. There is nothing to do but to step up to the plate and be there instead of just saying I'm there.
"Words are just words until you put actions behind them"
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Planned out
So I keep thinking about the future and what is to come. The future really does effect my here and now. I want to have it figured out. I want to know if I'm going to be in BG with my friends the last semester we have before we graduate of if I'm going to have to take that big kid step a semester early. I'm scared that my plan is not the plan God has for me. I know we are not supposed to plan things because when we do He messes them up but we should be prepared.
Today I was looking at things trying to think about the next step after college. Would I put myself in a position to get a job via my internship or something else, would I go to grad school, what exactly am I going to do. Well today I found my dream. I've always wanted to work for the NCAA. I was surfing through stuff just to see what was out there. I stumbled upon a year long internship with the NCAA in Indianapolis. And to top it off it pays. It would start in June after I graduate. Its specifically for post grad students. I could go do that and stay in BG and intern with somebody at school. Just the slim possibility makes me smile.
Today I was looking at things trying to think about the next step after college. Would I put myself in a position to get a job via my internship or something else, would I go to grad school, what exactly am I going to do. Well today I found my dream. I've always wanted to work for the NCAA. I was surfing through stuff just to see what was out there. I stumbled upon a year long internship with the NCAA in Indianapolis. And to top it off it pays. It would start in June after I graduate. Its specifically for post grad students. I could go do that and stay in BG and intern with somebody at school. Just the slim possibility makes me smile.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Warrior
I'm a competitor, I always have been. I hate losing, I get mad at the fact. I've lost many times, I've been knocked down several times. Every time I fall I tend to get back up and go at it harder than before. Ask my brother, he's seen the physicalness of it before. We'd fight as kids, hed knock me down, and I would go full force into him.
Here's the deal. Ever since my trip I've been a completely different person, at least I've felt like one. Ever since my trip I've been challenged in emotion ways I never expected. Well I expected them I just didn't expect them to be like this. I've learned a lot from them, I've come out of my comfort zone and learned that it's ok to trust people. However, I've gotten to the point of attack. I've gotten to the point where you stand up on your feet, look at the goal, and just say really! Then you say to yourself just dig deeper, go harder, so you take a second and go again. Tonight was that night.
During spring break I started cleaning out my grandparents house. It brought up many emotions but I knew it would, I saw it coming. It's another stage in the morning process. I realized that nobody can be there for me like God can. In those weeks from then til now I've learned that people, even friends can be crappy. People fail but God doesn't.
Many of my closest friends are graduating. I may be leaving in the spring. I'm scared that God's plan for me won't match up with what I want. I'm scared of not having a leadership role year even though I know God has a bigger plan for me. I know that God tells us not to fear. This has all been overwhelming. When things seem as if they are turning around and everybody is coming back together I keep getting hit personally.
Last night my best friend from high school called me out of the blue. It was great talking to her and catching up as random as it was. However, old people, old memories, old emotions that I've buried under the ground for so long were risen from the grave. Things I have not delt with that are affecting the hear and now. Then tonight my mom calls me and tells me a friend of the families is in the ICU and prolly going to die in the next day or two.
I keep getting hit, keep getting up. This was that last hit. I stayed on the ground and just said really. I stopped and said I can't dump anymore on my friends, they've heard me hurt and complain for weeks now. I have to get it together. As all this was going through my head I'm driving and I look over to see one of my best friends driving by. I still feel bad for dumping on my friends, I want to catch a break so I can just stop battling and catch my breath. But bring it on. I've got a God that won't relent. I've got a God that can kick your butt anytime, anywhere. Everytime I fall down my God is the one that gives me the strength to get back up.
Doesn't make things easier but I know that in my weaknesses, He is made strong. At times through this I've felt very weak in myself yet strong in God, at times I've just felt weak. I'm ready for a break but until I get a chance to breath I'll continue to be a warrior.
Here's the deal. Ever since my trip I've been a completely different person, at least I've felt like one. Ever since my trip I've been challenged in emotion ways I never expected. Well I expected them I just didn't expect them to be like this. I've learned a lot from them, I've come out of my comfort zone and learned that it's ok to trust people. However, I've gotten to the point of attack. I've gotten to the point where you stand up on your feet, look at the goal, and just say really! Then you say to yourself just dig deeper, go harder, so you take a second and go again. Tonight was that night.
During spring break I started cleaning out my grandparents house. It brought up many emotions but I knew it would, I saw it coming. It's another stage in the morning process. I realized that nobody can be there for me like God can. In those weeks from then til now I've learned that people, even friends can be crappy. People fail but God doesn't.
Many of my closest friends are graduating. I may be leaving in the spring. I'm scared that God's plan for me won't match up with what I want. I'm scared of not having a leadership role year even though I know God has a bigger plan for me. I know that God tells us not to fear. This has all been overwhelming. When things seem as if they are turning around and everybody is coming back together I keep getting hit personally.
Last night my best friend from high school called me out of the blue. It was great talking to her and catching up as random as it was. However, old people, old memories, old emotions that I've buried under the ground for so long were risen from the grave. Things I have not delt with that are affecting the hear and now. Then tonight my mom calls me and tells me a friend of the families is in the ICU and prolly going to die in the next day or two.
I keep getting hit, keep getting up. This was that last hit. I stayed on the ground and just said really. I stopped and said I can't dump anymore on my friends, they've heard me hurt and complain for weeks now. I have to get it together. As all this was going through my head I'm driving and I look over to see one of my best friends driving by. I still feel bad for dumping on my friends, I want to catch a break so I can just stop battling and catch my breath. But bring it on. I've got a God that won't relent. I've got a God that can kick your butt anytime, anywhere. Everytime I fall down my God is the one that gives me the strength to get back up.
Doesn't make things easier but I know that in my weaknesses, He is made strong. At times through this I've felt very weak in myself yet strong in God, at times I've just felt weak. I'm ready for a break but until I get a chance to breath I'll continue to be a warrior.
Monday, March 22, 2010
God Alone
Lately I've been spending a lot of time alone. Either that or I've realized that everybody I have in my life will not always be around. Ever since two weeks ago when we started to clean out my grandparents house this has been on my mind. My grandparents have made such a different and impact in my life. Whether it be based on personality, character, habits. However, it also hit me that in 30 yrs or less I'll probably be doing the same thing in my parents house. I thought about my friends and the people I depend on. A lot of them are graduating in may and then I'm graduating the following may.
I'm going through a lot of emotions right now between those thoughts and dealing with family stuff. I wanted to find comfort in my friends because my family is too busy trying to be strong for each other. I found that I can't always find that comfort in other people. Nobody is always going to be around forever. God, however is always there at all times. No matter the time of night, no matter the problem, not matter what it is God is there. I read a quote the other day that said every night I give my worries to God, He'll be up anyways. It's extremely hard to find that comfort in God especially when you need that shoulder. I've had to accept and find that God alone is my comforter, my shield, my all in all. Nobody can compare.
I'm going through a lot of emotions right now between those thoughts and dealing with family stuff. I wanted to find comfort in my friends because my family is too busy trying to be strong for each other. I found that I can't always find that comfort in other people. Nobody is always going to be around forever. God, however is always there at all times. No matter the time of night, no matter the problem, not matter what it is God is there. I read a quote the other day that said every night I give my worries to God, He'll be up anyways. It's extremely hard to find that comfort in God especially when you need that shoulder. I've had to accept and find that God alone is my comforter, my shield, my all in all. Nobody can compare.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Joshua 1:9
9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.
This time last year I found out that I was going to be working for Infinity Sports. I was excited but as time crept closer to actually go I started to get scared. The what-if's started popping through my head. My trust was completely lacking in God. I stumbled downstairs one morning to find my dad watching my grandfather's last sermon. I started listening to it and decided it needed to be my verse. It started out as my verse for the summer and turned into one of my life verses.
My grandfather is now in the home he helped build, he has alzheimer's and doesn't know who I am. Yesterday I went out to the house to mark what I wanted so we can sell the house in the spring. When I got there I was overwhelmed with memories of hunting easter eggs, christmas mornings, card playing, and playing wiffleball or soccer in the yard with my brother. I walked through the house asking myself what do I want. One of the things I found was my grandfather's bible he preached out of. I started looking at it and long behold the bookmark was on Joshua 1:9.
I came home later that night and started talking to my dad about it only to find out there was a longer story behind why he used Joshua 1:9 as his verse in his last sermon: (coming from my dad)
"Your grandfather was in the hospital dealing with different things. When he got out they asked him to preach one more time. He told me he was going to preach on fear. I told him he should use Joshua 1:9. It talked about fear and although Joshua didn't think he could get his people from point A to point B. He didn't know if he was up to it when an angel appeared and told him: Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
Your grandfather talked about that and then his situation. He said that if he had to go back and do it all over again he'd do the same thing but base his career and life around this verse. He said that he was not scared of what was coming after death because he would be with God. He wasn't scared of what was going to come because God was going to be there. He was scared of what he was going to experience, what his family was going to have to go through before he died, but he was not scared of dying because he knew what he was going to see."
My dad told me that he would get scared when he was younger and even now. We both fear even though we know its going to be okay. I have trust issues, I get scared of life easy but I find my comfort in knowing that God is always there and so is my family. When I left this summer my parents wrote a card to me. It said a lot but my dad said when I get scared or nervous I read these two verses. Whenever I get scared or nervous, I pull out that card, read what my dad wrote and then read Joshua 1:9.
This time last year I found out that I was going to be working for Infinity Sports. I was excited but as time crept closer to actually go I started to get scared. The what-if's started popping through my head. My trust was completely lacking in God. I stumbled downstairs one morning to find my dad watching my grandfather's last sermon. I started listening to it and decided it needed to be my verse. It started out as my verse for the summer and turned into one of my life verses.
My grandfather is now in the home he helped build, he has alzheimer's and doesn't know who I am. Yesterday I went out to the house to mark what I wanted so we can sell the house in the spring. When I got there I was overwhelmed with memories of hunting easter eggs, christmas mornings, card playing, and playing wiffleball or soccer in the yard with my brother. I walked through the house asking myself what do I want. One of the things I found was my grandfather's bible he preached out of. I started looking at it and long behold the bookmark was on Joshua 1:9.
I came home later that night and started talking to my dad about it only to find out there was a longer story behind why he used Joshua 1:9 as his verse in his last sermon: (coming from my dad)
"Your grandfather was in the hospital dealing with different things. When he got out they asked him to preach one more time. He told me he was going to preach on fear. I told him he should use Joshua 1:9. It talked about fear and although Joshua didn't think he could get his people from point A to point B. He didn't know if he was up to it when an angel appeared and told him: Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
Your grandfather talked about that and then his situation. He said that if he had to go back and do it all over again he'd do the same thing but base his career and life around this verse. He said that he was not scared of what was coming after death because he would be with God. He wasn't scared of what was going to come because God was going to be there. He was scared of what he was going to experience, what his family was going to have to go through before he died, but he was not scared of dying because he knew what he was going to see."
My dad told me that he would get scared when he was younger and even now. We both fear even though we know its going to be okay. I have trust issues, I get scared of life easy but I find my comfort in knowing that God is always there and so is my family. When I left this summer my parents wrote a card to me. It said a lot but my dad said when I get scared or nervous I read these two verses. Whenever I get scared or nervous, I pull out that card, read what my dad wrote and then read Joshua 1:9.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Do Not Worry
I feel like once you get everything figured out life throws you a curveball. Sometimes something unexpected happens or you move on to something completely different.
For me its something completely different this time. I found out that I got an internship that is going to put me in Bowling Green all summer. This is kind of a big deal. However, my internship starts in march. whoa, right?!? I'm taking 18 hours, I'm on leadership, now an internship, have I completely lost my mind? We'll find out. I work better the busier I am but I also order my life. I don't want to be that person that puts things on the backburner or is too busy for everybody else. I fear that. I want to always be able to make time and I will I just dont know how yet. I'm scared I may get in there and it may be exactly the opposite of what I wanted but I'll just have to wait and see.
Then there comes next year, senior year. I have lots of friends graduating or leaving this year, but next year is a whole different ball game. This is it. I realize that I may not be around next spring. I dont know what to do as housing, I dont know where I would be looking to leave to. The whole thought process is scarey. I start looking at things and say what if I'm not here next sprig, this is it.
God says do not worry about tomorrow. I like to know whats coming, but God says live in the present. I'm trying but its hard taking one day at a time. Sometimes you get ahead of yourself and need to find that comfort that it's all going to work out and be okay. I keep telling myself Do Not Worry but sometimes you just need to hear it from somebody else.
For me its something completely different this time. I found out that I got an internship that is going to put me in Bowling Green all summer. This is kind of a big deal. However, my internship starts in march. whoa, right?!? I'm taking 18 hours, I'm on leadership, now an internship, have I completely lost my mind? We'll find out. I work better the busier I am but I also order my life. I don't want to be that person that puts things on the backburner or is too busy for everybody else. I fear that. I want to always be able to make time and I will I just dont know how yet. I'm scared I may get in there and it may be exactly the opposite of what I wanted but I'll just have to wait and see.
Then there comes next year, senior year. I have lots of friends graduating or leaving this year, but next year is a whole different ball game. This is it. I realize that I may not be around next spring. I dont know what to do as housing, I dont know where I would be looking to leave to. The whole thought process is scarey. I start looking at things and say what if I'm not here next sprig, this is it.
God says do not worry about tomorrow. I like to know whats coming, but God says live in the present. I'm trying but its hard taking one day at a time. Sometimes you get ahead of yourself and need to find that comfort that it's all going to work out and be okay. I keep telling myself Do Not Worry but sometimes you just need to hear it from somebody else.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Forgiven
Ever since my feet hit US soil again in January I've felt like my head cant keep up with my feet. I'm running forward yet my head was spinning in so many directions I had no idea what was going on. Learning things about friends engagements, friends struggles, my own personal family/health/whatever issues, not to mention school starting and making a decision on this summer. I couldn't see straight but my feet kept moving.
During this time I didn't know what to do, I'm a fixer, a doer. I have trouble just sitting by and watching things happen. There was too much on the plate this time around. My only option was to let go, let God. Sometimes we like to think we can fix it all but truth is we can't do anything without God.
While all this was going on, I was in no position to fix anything or even make a human attempt at it. I was emotionally flying through my past. Whether things were reoccuring, memories were resurfacing- you know those things you push away thinking they'll never return, familiar emotions, whatever it is was I was emotionally tired and weak. I didn't know what to do except give it to God once again. One of my friends told me that God got me through it once, He will do it again. Later that night I heard a song called Forgiven.
No matter what has been done in the past God has forgiven me. He uses it for His glory and not our agony. This song shows how I felt for weeks that seemed like forever. Once again finding comfort that my sin is forgiven and that all I have to do is let go and let God.
Forgiven- Sanctus Real
Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget
In this lifeI know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven
My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I wrestle with my pain, struggle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry
When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause
[back to chorus]
During this time I didn't know what to do, I'm a fixer, a doer. I have trouble just sitting by and watching things happen. There was too much on the plate this time around. My only option was to let go, let God. Sometimes we like to think we can fix it all but truth is we can't do anything without God.
While all this was going on, I was in no position to fix anything or even make a human attempt at it. I was emotionally flying through my past. Whether things were reoccuring, memories were resurfacing- you know those things you push away thinking they'll never return, familiar emotions, whatever it is was I was emotionally tired and weak. I didn't know what to do except give it to God once again. One of my friends told me that God got me through it once, He will do it again. Later that night I heard a song called Forgiven.
No matter what has been done in the past God has forgiven me. He uses it for His glory and not our agony. This song shows how I felt for weeks that seemed like forever. Once again finding comfort that my sin is forgiven and that all I have to do is let go and let God.
Forgiven- Sanctus Real
Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget
In this lifeI know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am
I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven
My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I wrestle with my pain, struggle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry
When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause
[back to chorus]
Thursday, February 18, 2010
no fear in faith
The past couple of days things have seemed to come together. When things come up that I should worry about I've found a peace with it. God is in complete control. I have finally realized that I can't fix it, I cant do anything except give it to God. Many of you are prolly rolling your eyes saying its about time. My heart has been solid and my head clear. However, today was an "off" day. My fear has caught up with me and I keep telling myself that faith and fear do not coexist. I tell people that everything will be ok, just keep Christ at the center. The real truth is I am human, I am fearful.
I'm scared about my medical issues.
I'm scared about this summer.
I'm scared of making the wrong decisions.
I'm scared of saying the wrong thing.
I'm scared of screwing up.
I'm scared of the possbility of being so busy.
I'm scared I'm going to miss an opportunity.
I'm scared of being completely trustworthy and transparent with people.
I'm scared about next year.
I'm scared of losing people that are close to me whether that being going in different directions or whatever.
The other night I told one of my friends to stop everything, close her eyes, take 3 deep breaths, and whatever came to her mind just give to God. I wish I could take my own advice, I wish it were that easy. And yeah, I know, it really is that easy but I still worry. I know that I'm supposed to be in the field of study I'm in. Something happens on a daily basis to remind me that it is right, actually I'm scared of how many doors God has opened for me. Most of the things I can't predict or fix so my only option is to give them to God. He will take away my fears and comfort me in my time of need.
I'm scared about my medical issues.
I'm scared about this summer.
I'm scared of making the wrong decisions.
I'm scared of saying the wrong thing.
I'm scared of screwing up.
I'm scared of the possbility of being so busy.
I'm scared I'm going to miss an opportunity.
I'm scared of being completely trustworthy and transparent with people.
I'm scared about next year.
I'm scared of losing people that are close to me whether that being going in different directions or whatever.
The other night I told one of my friends to stop everything, close her eyes, take 3 deep breaths, and whatever came to her mind just give to God. I wish I could take my own advice, I wish it were that easy. And yeah, I know, it really is that easy but I still worry. I know that I'm supposed to be in the field of study I'm in. Something happens on a daily basis to remind me that it is right, actually I'm scared of how many doors God has opened for me. Most of the things I can't predict or fix so my only option is to give them to God. He will take away my fears and comfort me in my time of need.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
I am nothing, God is everything
Today I was watching Ameila. Somebody walked past and said is that Ameila Earheart? I looked at my roommate jokingly and said I'm going to do something great one day where somebody is going to do that too me. We started thinking and I was like I don't want to live an ordinary life, I don't want to get broken down into society and fall into the habitual lifestyle. I continued my thought and decided that if anybody should know me for anything its for sharing Christ.
I hate the way society looks at life in the fact that you have to go to school, get a job, have a family, and go through the normal society of things. We all run around with our schedules, filling them with something practices, meetings, lunch dates, whatever but the thing is what time do we make for God? What time do we make for sharing Christ? Especially in school we have all these meetings and hide behind our organizations or our labels when as Christians our real goal is to share Christ. Recognize what got you past and through all your crap. When everything was going wrong, who got you through it? Christians are going to answer Christ. He is everything for us, He is our Savior, He is our hope. What do other people say?
I've found what I love and what brings a smile to my face. I've found what will never let go, never leave me nor forsake me. That is the love of Christ. God is everything, He can do it all, He does it all. What else could you ever want to do, why live the normalcy of life when there is something so great to share with the world?
I hate the way society looks at life in the fact that you have to go to school, get a job, have a family, and go through the normal society of things. We all run around with our schedules, filling them with something practices, meetings, lunch dates, whatever but the thing is what time do we make for God? What time do we make for sharing Christ? Especially in school we have all these meetings and hide behind our organizations or our labels when as Christians our real goal is to share Christ. Recognize what got you past and through all your crap. When everything was going wrong, who got you through it? Christians are going to answer Christ. He is everything for us, He is our Savior, He is our hope. What do other people say?
I've found what I love and what brings a smile to my face. I've found what will never let go, never leave me nor forsake me. That is the love of Christ. God is everything, He can do it all, He does it all. What else could you ever want to do, why live the normalcy of life when there is something so great to share with the world?
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
He is my strength
It's amazing how things can happen so fast. It's amazing how we can look back at the past few weeks, the past few months, the past few years and just say wow how can so much happen in so little time.
I've recently looked back at the past couple of weeks and so much has happened. It has caused me look further back because I feel like history is repeating itself. At the same time new problems arise, in sickness, in hurt, in pain, in decision making, in everything. I've felt like I've been on information overload. As much as i feel like I'm spinning in circles I feel like God is watching laughing saying don't get too dizzy, or telling me to stop kinda like your parents do when you are little and spinning in circles (which I still do). God has been my strength with everything I have come in contact with. This year has been one of the hardest years of my life personally but who would've known. God has gotten me through it. He will continue to get me through the decisions I have to make, the appointments I have to go to, and the emotions that are finally coming more reality than just talk.
He is the one thing that will always remain constant. When trust is questionable with the human race, God is there to listen. He will never bring me to anything He cannot get me through. Things happen, we live in agnoy and hurt but we find joy in the fact that we will be delivered and live in eternity with Him. It doesn't make things easy or hurt less but it does bring a small peace to your heart.
I've recently looked back at the past couple of weeks and so much has happened. It has caused me look further back because I feel like history is repeating itself. At the same time new problems arise, in sickness, in hurt, in pain, in decision making, in everything. I've felt like I've been on information overload. As much as i feel like I'm spinning in circles I feel like God is watching laughing saying don't get too dizzy, or telling me to stop kinda like your parents do when you are little and spinning in circles (which I still do). God has been my strength with everything I have come in contact with. This year has been one of the hardest years of my life personally but who would've known. God has gotten me through it. He will continue to get me through the decisions I have to make, the appointments I have to go to, and the emotions that are finally coming more reality than just talk.
He is the one thing that will always remain constant. When trust is questionable with the human race, God is there to listen. He will never bring me to anything He cannot get me through. Things happen, we live in agnoy and hurt but we find joy in the fact that we will be delivered and live in eternity with Him. It doesn't make things easy or hurt less but it does bring a small peace to your heart.
Friday, January 1, 2010
looking back and stepping forward
I have been blessed this past year to have many challenges and opportunities. The year started in Times Square with an adventure of its own. The first day of 2009 I ended up in a hole in the wall BBQ place about a block away from central park. We met a lady who was drinking a margarita, eating chili, and willing to spend hours just talking to us. She installed wisdom and a memory we can't get rid of. She even paid for our meal!
I was then blessed to go on a mission trip to Philly. Never thought much of it. It was a scary yet life changing experience. A couple of us, ok more than a couple, when out to the corner and gave homeless food and shared the gospel with them. Some of the things you would hear would change anybody's life. Life is truely different in a place where gangs rule the neighborhood yet where christ is working.
Once again I came back to WKU is finally pick a major, sports management. Its lead to so many opportunities at the end of this semester. But mostly it lead to my decision to work camp this summer. 7 people, 8 weeks, 1 van and a bunch of kids. I got to teach sports and teach God. I couldn't ask for anything better. The friends I made are honestly friends for life. I miss them daily. They changed my life and deepened my walk with Christ. Kids can challenge you in ways you never knew. I saw much of the US that I haven't seen or if I had seen it I got to see it from a different perspective.
I came back to school to get through another semester and prepare for this trip I'm getting ready to go on, this trip to Australia. My first adventure of the new year, of the new decade. While I have gone on so many different trips and done so many things I always get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, this moment where I think what the heck am I doing yet I always have the time of my life. A baby step to philly, a big kid step this summer, and an adult step that begins tomorrow.
2009 was filled with opportunities, the time of growth that I really feel like I've grown up, a year for many decisions, and answered prayers with true friends.
2010 will hopefully only deepen my friendships and relationships with adventure and memories.
"may fear never stop you, may god always guide you"
I was then blessed to go on a mission trip to Philly. Never thought much of it. It was a scary yet life changing experience. A couple of us, ok more than a couple, when out to the corner and gave homeless food and shared the gospel with them. Some of the things you would hear would change anybody's life. Life is truely different in a place where gangs rule the neighborhood yet where christ is working.
Once again I came back to WKU is finally pick a major, sports management. Its lead to so many opportunities at the end of this semester. But mostly it lead to my decision to work camp this summer. 7 people, 8 weeks, 1 van and a bunch of kids. I got to teach sports and teach God. I couldn't ask for anything better. The friends I made are honestly friends for life. I miss them daily. They changed my life and deepened my walk with Christ. Kids can challenge you in ways you never knew. I saw much of the US that I haven't seen or if I had seen it I got to see it from a different perspective.
I came back to school to get through another semester and prepare for this trip I'm getting ready to go on, this trip to Australia. My first adventure of the new year, of the new decade. While I have gone on so many different trips and done so many things I always get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, this moment where I think what the heck am I doing yet I always have the time of my life. A baby step to philly, a big kid step this summer, and an adult step that begins tomorrow.
2009 was filled with opportunities, the time of growth that I really feel like I've grown up, a year for many decisions, and answered prayers with true friends.
2010 will hopefully only deepen my friendships and relationships with adventure and memories.
"may fear never stop you, may god always guide you"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)