Throughout the semester I've learned about heart issues. Jealousy, anger, greed those types of things. They all stem out of one's heart and held in emotions. Andy Stanley talks about how we hold onto emotions. It's like putting them in a backpack. We go through seasons of our life and things change but we are always holding onto this backpack. Eventually this backpack starts to weigh us down. I've had to check my own heart, I've had to realize what I've been holding on to for years, what is truely weighing me down. I've had to look deep in my heart and forgive people, truely honestly forgive them. Its one thing to say I'm sorry but dont say its ok, which usually happens because it is not okay but you can be forgiven. So when I have said its ok but it hasn't been ok I still forgive or at least am trying to forgive you.
I look back in high school and I see the girls who "had it all" You know the stereotypical high school life. I wasn't jealous of it but I wanted to blend in. Part of me enjoyed standing out and being my own individualistic person but part of me wanted what they had because it came with no questions, that was life and what was expected. I was jealous of the people who constantly had fun with their friends,until I got that. Then I got angry with my friends. I felt like they were leaving me out and that I didn't fit with them either. Eventually my anxiety caught up with me and eventually it all came tumbling down. I got mad at myself because I'm good at blaming myself for everything even if there is hardly any way for it be my fault I find that way. It's easier for me to blame myself than to blame anybody else. I can deal with it.
Now I've hit college. I find that I'm in another season of my life but I'm still angry from my friends in high school. I'm still angry at myself. I need to let go. I need to let people in. I need to be emotional about it and deal with it all. I need to move on. However, I find myself angry now because I see new situations that resimble those of my past. I'm no longer invited to where my friends are going and it bothers me because thats how it started in the past. I compare situations of the present to situations of the past. It makes me angry because I want to have fun and I feel like I can't because of all the emotion in my life right now. I feel like I'm missing out. It also leads to jealousy. I see my friends having fun, I see the pictures, and I want that. I'm jealous of the time they have, the memories they've made, and the resumes theyve built.
It all starts with my heart and where it is. I want the best for people and anybody that knows me knows that I truely care about people, more than I care about myself. I would do anything for them at any given time. However when I put my own emotions to the side it buts more baggage in my backpack. It makes it heavier and harder for me to hold myself up. My mom said that its like the oxygen masks on a plane, help yourself before helping others. If you don't help yourself you can't help the others to the best of your ability. Its nothing short of the truth. I can't help other people until I help myself.
These issues are issues of my heart. My heart needs to be healed. My heart needs to feel no jealously, no anger. What you speak of must first come from your heart for you to truely believe it. Romans 10:9, 10 says it plan and simple. Confess with your mouth and believe in your heart. Give it to God, He is the only thing that can take away your heart issues.
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