It's a battle

I think I have high expectations of people and therefore what they do is never good enough for me. I always want one more thing. I get disappointed and hurt but the reasoning seems so stupid. I want somebody to do the little things for me. It's part of this stage of going in 500 hundred different directions when you are use to doing life side by side and seeing each other every day. It's hard letting go and not being able to be there to see if they are really doing okay or if they are just saying so over the phone. It's hard trying to pick up your own pieces and move on.

I like to use the analogy of water in a cup. A cup can hold so much water but when you put an object in the cup it takes up room and if there was enough water in the cup it may overflow. The water in my cup is/was receding but that object still made my cup overflow. I will survive because I always do. I always find a way out but I just want it to be okay that I'm upset. I want to know that it is okay that I'm struggling. I need my reinforcements.

I understand that I've been a wreck for the past two months really. I understand that something got ahold of me and that I can be a lot to handle when that happens. When I feel I feel hard and long. I can't help but feel that everybody is over it. I've lost friends when I fight through my honest feelings. I'm not prepared to lose these guys. It's easier when I do it myself because the only person I let down is me. It sucks but its easier to hold it in. They want the happy go lucky, everybody lean on me it'll be okay, make things happen, fun version of me. And I'm not there yet and it doesn't help feeling like I have to be or otherwise I let them down. BUT I hate when the people around me feel like they can't share their life with me. It's a two way street and I will always care and I will always want to know your life, no matter where I am, physically or emotionally.

Beginning and End

Life seems kind of stressful right now. I have three test in one day, all of which are the first test. This week has been crazier than a finals week ever has. All study, no play. There are stressors in life as well, but I've learned one thing in this past week. God.

The one word should be enough. As I start out my time at Bellarmine feeling like the beginning is going to be just as intense as the end I find a lot of similarities and comforts in a relationship with Christ. He is the beginning and end, of life, of the universe, of everything. He is the Alpha and the Omega. He is created, savior, and destroyer. He is loving and He is just.

I think my emotions and thoughts have been across the universe and back but I do know one thing. I know that I can't cross a bridge when I have arrived at. I know that no matter what happens God is good and it'll work out how it is supposed because He has a good and perfect plan for my life. I know that even if I throw my life away, God still provides grace. I know that I am loved, no matter what and that failure is only another lesson. I know that growth only occurs in struggle. I know that in Christ I am always victorious even if no one else sees it that.

It all begins with Christ, It all ends with Christ, and the middle doesn't matter as long as you are glorifying Him.

Catch 22

If it isn't one emotion its something else. I've been struggling with school, socialization, and confidence in myself recently. Things are so different here, things are so much harder. However, I'm fighting through it and will prevail. I was okay with it today. I'm not sure why but everything seemed a little more normal and okay. However, it went downhill. I seem to have a nack for making things do that. Prewarning: this is my rant and I'm sorry if it hurts anyone.

I feel like I'm always the person making things happen. They may not fit into my schedule but I always put other people first. I always find a way. I am always going above and beyond looking out for people or making them happy. I'm also trying to encourage them to fight for their dreams. I'm tired of making things happen and nobody making anything happen for me. I'm tired of feeling hurt, I'm tired of feeling. I'm tired of being alone. I'm 22 and ready for what life has to offer, I'm ready for a job, a family. I know its early but I'm ready for the start. I'm ready for my adventure. I wish somebody would put me first, I wish somebody would make things happen for me. It may be a lot to ask for, maybe my expectations are too high, maybe my own confidence is just too low. At the same time I feel like I'm not appreciative of what I have. At the same time I think that I'm not doing enough like I have to impress people, I have to match expectations. At the she time I have to be full of surprises. I'm just not ready for all of that.

I'm ready to run off on an adventure. I'm ready to see the world where all I have is paper, pen, God, and the world. I'm ready to be in a place where I can be me and the only person I can and have to make happy is me. I get so caught up that I forget about pleasing me. I forget about what makes me happy. In the end all of this will be gone and it comes down to you and God. What will there be left to offer? I feel as if I'm in this catch 22 and don't know how to escape. And thats all I want to do...escape. I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of being my own stronghold.

There will always be a constant

A few months ago I decided I needed a change, I decided to do something different. I decided to try and go to PT school. I decided that I'd be leaving what was home for me for 4.5 years and move back to where I'm from. I decided to make that place my home. I decided to go to Bellarmine. I decided to persue something completely different than what I was doing at the time. At times I thought I was crazy, but more than anything I was excited about it. It seemed to fit. Everybody supported me in it, even encouraged me.

I'm here. I'm in school at Bellarmine, I'm in Louisville. I've moved on. I'm scared as hell, I'm doubting myself, and I'm fighting to keep my head above water. I made it a week and am feeling this. Part of me wants to throw in the white towel. Part of me wants to run, far away. The kicker is I'm a fighter, the kicker is I'm not a quitter. I've never been and I never will be, its just not in me to accept failure. I'm gonna bitch, I'm gonna complain, I'm gonna beat myself up, but the thing is I'm gonna keep going no matter how much I don't want to. The only thing that can stop me is the only thing that has kept me going....God.

My friends are amazing, God has blessed me with some of the most incredible people that I don't deserve. For years I prayed for friends like the ones I have now. I got mad when my friends didn't turn out like I expected, but it just goes to prove that God is preparing something better for you. But at the end of the day when the lights are off and I'm all alone the only thing that matters, the only place I find peace is at the feet of my Lord. The only place I find answers, the only place I feel complete comfort is when I'm crying out to Him. Its the only thing that makes sense right now. Knowing that He is my strength, knowing that it'll be okay, knowing that nothing matters as long as I'm living this life for Him.

When everything is changing in my life I panic, I suffer through anxiety, I fight through heartache and doubt but there is always a constant in my life even if I push it away. He will never leave me, He will never forsake me. I'm so thankful for the strength that only God can provide me. I'm so thankful for the fight He is given me. No matter what He'll always my constant.

One Day

One day stands for a lot in my life right now. Many think that one day stands for "one day your prince will come" or something along those lines. Lately I may say they were right but not today. Today that one day stands for how much time is left until I start at Bellarmine, before I become the new kid.

Today that one day says that I one day I will face my inner demons.

One day I'll find myself so in love with whats around me and what I have rather than comparing mine to everyone else's.

One day I'll find myself so in love with God that nothing else will matter.

One day I won't feel like I have to meet expectations or succeed like the rest of my family.

One day I'll do what I love and smile because I know I'm doing what I should be.

One day I'll be able put away my pride, my stubbornness and step up to the plate and serve.

One day I'll be to admit I don't know how to do something and let someone help me.

And naturally I hope one day my prince will come but if that one day never comes I want to be okay with the fact that God has something bigger and better planned for me.

one day....