Catch 22

If it isn't one emotion its something else. I've been struggling with school, socialization, and confidence in myself recently. Things are so different here, things are so much harder. However, I'm fighting through it and will prevail. I was okay with it today. I'm not sure why but everything seemed a little more normal and okay. However, it went downhill. I seem to have a nack for making things do that. Prewarning: this is my rant and I'm sorry if it hurts anyone.

I feel like I'm always the person making things happen. They may not fit into my schedule but I always put other people first. I always find a way. I am always going above and beyond looking out for people or making them happy. I'm also trying to encourage them to fight for their dreams. I'm tired of making things happen and nobody making anything happen for me. I'm tired of feeling hurt, I'm tired of feeling. I'm tired of being alone. I'm 22 and ready for what life has to offer, I'm ready for a job, a family. I know its early but I'm ready for the start. I'm ready for my adventure. I wish somebody would put me first, I wish somebody would make things happen for me. It may be a lot to ask for, maybe my expectations are too high, maybe my own confidence is just too low. At the same time I feel like I'm not appreciative of what I have. At the same time I think that I'm not doing enough like I have to impress people, I have to match expectations. At the she time I have to be full of surprises. I'm just not ready for all of that.

I'm ready to run off on an adventure. I'm ready to see the world where all I have is paper, pen, God, and the world. I'm ready to be in a place where I can be me and the only person I can and have to make happy is me. I get so caught up that I forget about pleasing me. I forget about what makes me happy. In the end all of this will be gone and it comes down to you and God. What will there be left to offer? I feel as if I'm in this catch 22 and don't know how to escape. And thats all I want to do...escape. I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of being my own stronghold.