update

I feel like there is so much to write about. A little over a week ago I joined up with Infinity at Clarksville. Clarksville was one of my camp sites last year. When I got there there were so many returning campers who ran up to me and hugged me, parents who felt an extra comfort seeing a familiar face. When the older boys ran over to me and wouldn't leave my side, it was exactly what I needed. I needed somebody to want to be around me as much as I wanted to be around them. Its amazing how God can play tricks on you. I knew I was going for me, to go have fun, and be nosey about the team but he was really preparing my heart for what was to come. He was teaching me and telling me to get my head back on, straight this time.

I miss camp but I know I'm not supposed to be a part of that team. I'm supposed to be where I am. As much as I may want to disagree with God and ask really or why I accept where I am. I believe the people that have been placed in my life recently are there for this season in my life. See Monday when camp was over I pulled out my phone (it was so relaxing not to have it all day) I had 4 missed calls and a text from my mom. My grandfather was in the hospital. I told the staff and left. I headed home after a long day.

My grandfather wasn't expected to make through the night, but he did. He continues to make it, we continue to wait. Watching while every breath may be his last, trying to go on with life, when your heart skips a beat everytime I hear my parents ring tone. It doesn't make life any easier. I may not know the answer to why.

I dont know the answer to why Corey was killed. 5 days ago 3 guys i grew up with were in a wreck, one died. The other two are thankfully alive and are going to be fine. Its hard to see a young friend in a casket and knowing that in a couple of weeks you'll prolly have to bury someone who has lived such a long and richful life.

No matter what we go through we can't fully understand what someone else is feeling. All we can do is be there for one another and support one another. We look for God's strength because our only is simply not enough. We also forgot the most important part of life and that is to live and to love. To live like it were your last moment yet love others as if they were leaving you in the next moment.

old time sake

The ping of the ball hitting the bat, the smack of a ball in a glove, the smell of dirt, the fimilar calls of an umpire or the crowd. I know all these very well. I've been around them all my life. Yes, I work at a baseball field but its different. It's different going to a softball tournament and thinking back to when you were a player instead of just a spectator. This is what I did with my life, I thought of the past and enjoyed how those things use to make me feel. I've found this summer that I dont have a destresser. I don't have anything to clearn my head or calm my heart. I don't have a sounding board, an achor, I'm running in thin air on an empty tank. Today was a day of renewal. As much as today was I came back to the reality of bowling green realizing that all my stresses and all my anxieties were here waiting on me. I've come to realization that I'm good at walking away but im bad at confrontation, I'm bad at hitting things head on. I dont want to do it, I'm slightly afraid of the outcomes, and to be honest I'd rather be the host to the hurt feelings than potentionally hurt anyone else. Not much has changed since high school after all.

chicken with my head cut off

Lately life has been so crazy but at the same time it hasn't. My life has been consumed by baseball. Most people would say, hey thats the life! It is when you are playing and you have fallen in love with what you are doing. It can be the life. I feel like I've spent every waking hour there. I get up go the ballpark, spend anywhere from 7-13 hours there, come home, shower, and go to bed only to do it all over again the next day. Yeah, we are in the middle of a 13 game home strech but it makes me wonder if I'm really goin to love what I do. It makes me worry inside what if I can't actually do what I want to do, where do I go from there?

The part that kills me is that I feel like I haven't made any time for my friends and family. Any time I'm out its with people from the park. Any free time I have I just want to sleep or just chill out. I miss my friends, I miss my life. I miss home. I haven't been home since Easter. I did go home for Derby but it freaked me out and I came straight back to school. I miss spending quality time with my parents. I miss the summer nights out by the fire. Life is different now and I'm not ready to accept it. I'm not ready to accept that life as I have always known it is slipping through my fingers and its time for my to grow up and move on.