Jesus Chose Me

Today at church we talked about sin. I was reminded of so many things. This past semester has been a struggle for me, coming back to a place I called home after being gone for a semester. Coming back after everyone, including myself had prepared their hearts for something different. I managed to make a career change in school and will now find myself in school for four more years. I noticed what life is like when big changes occur. I kind of felt like I was in a movie where they showed you what life would have been like if something had changed. Needless to say I've been running from God as soon as I stepped back. I wanted to have fun, I wanted to just live. I wanted to do it all for me. I've been running because I was made to believe I was a sinner. Through low self-esteem and a lot of self doubt I wasn't worthy. I've believed that my sins made me unworthy or unwanted to serve God, even undeserving of the friends that have been placed in my life.

I was reminded this morning that we go through ups and downs, life really is a roller coaster. Sometimes we'll be on highs and sometimes we'll be on lows. They may last a day or years but God is God. God has made me into a Saint that sometimes sins instead of a Sinner. My sin is not my identity, my identity is found in Christ. As insecure as I may be at times and as much as I may tare myself down, God is my security and He is there to pick me up.

I've always wanted to do things for me, even though I may say differently. I've always wanted the credit or the satisfaction. Even though everything is made to glorify God. I've always wanted to follow God but not completely rid myself of my sins. I wanted to hang on to the things of this world instead of give it to God so I can purely give back. Honestly, no matter what I experience, may it be things of my past that I no longer remember because God has taken them or things I felt in my heart yesterday, God is the only thing that has ever and will ever bring true joy and happiness into my heart and into my life. I have tried long enough and hard enough to fill that hole in my life but God will never give up the chase. God will always be there when I turn on my knees, when I realize time after time that He really is the only thing worth living for.

I have felt lately that I have had to had it all figured out before I opened up. That before I admitted I was struggling or feeling hurt or helpless or used that I had to first fix the problem. Before I could say I was empty or in a dry spell I had to have already fixed it. Truth is I know the way to fix my problems. I know to put trust in God and let Him do his thing. I'm holding strong to things of the world, feeling as they can heal my anxiety. I can't seem to let go or when I do something even stronger pours on. We are called in Hebrews to hid ourselves of all things that entangle us but for some reason we hang out to what can physically, mentally, or emotionally comfort us. We can pray God brings us those in a healthy way or that God would rid us of that desire. But do we pray that because we know it's what we should pray or because we truely desire it?

I know what to do, I know the words to say, and the smile to put on my face but living that would be a lie. I want the comfort God gives and I recieve that in His grace but sometimes my selfish desire wins over. Sometimes my eyes get diverted from the prize. God will never leave us nor forsake us. But why do I constantly run? Why do I try and do it on my own even though I fail miserably every time I try to handle something? Why do I throw it on my shoulders instead of rid myself of it? Why does fear stop me? Why do jealousy and selfishness hinder my heart when really what should be there is Christ? The biggest question is why can I confess to an open blog but to nothing else?

No Fear

Did you know that in every book of the bible it talks about fear?
Did you know we are not born with fear but it something we develop over time?
As children we roll down hills, jump off 2 story buildings, run into the street, do the unimaginable until we get hurt.

Two years ago I started this blog talking about my adventure on camp but it was really about dealing with fear. Last year I wrote in this blog about fear with my grandfather dying. 6 months ago I wrote about how fearful I was of being in Nashville and what to do with my life. Now as I sit here in the beginning of another summer I fear. I fear the future because of the unknown. As I flew back from England I realized that I fear jumping out of a plan. I also realize that I fear losing control.

I think about life and the fears it holds; being alone, not succeeding, not doing what is right, letting people down, flat out failing. I also think of all those things and what I have learned from letting people down, failing, being alone. I've seen the strength it gives me. I see that I can't do it alone. I see that God does it through me. As I look/looked for places to go to grad school I feared what I would do with my free time, I feared being along and starting over. More than that I fear not accepting a challenge, not defeating another obstacle. I fear, fear.

As I get older and become more rational about jumping out of a building or off a plane or rolling down a hill I also find myself being hard headed and stubborn. I see myself wanting to push myself just to see if I can stand. God tells us that he will also be with us, he will also provide, he will be our comforter, our all in all, He is all we need. So it shouldn't matter if I'm at home, 2 hours away, or 12 hours away I find comfort that God is there, always and forever. There is no fear when believing and trusting in God. There is only a push to do what is needed to do...for myself, for others, for God.

The Next Chapter

Today, well yesterday I turned 22. Yeah, its not old at all but for the first time I really felt like I was growing up. For the past two weeks I have been having the time of my life, taking lots of pictures, and making a video of what college has included. Yes, all four years of pictures. If you are looking to kill a half hour let me know! I also stumbled across my cousins wedding video.

Today I realized that nothing is going to be the same. If I go back and finish my communications degree or start my masters at WKU or Uofl or find a job or sit on my parents couch, I finished a chapter of my life. Everything seems to be in a whirlwind of change. My brother is moving on to different things, I am making a decision in my life, my extended family is starting families of their own. We have been through it all: deaths, graduations,birthdays, holidays, weddings... what else is there is experience?

I realized that as a left BG today I was saying good bye to many people I love dearly not knowing the next time I will see them. I left BG today knowing that when I return whether it be a few weeks from now or a few months that everything will be different. My friends that were there freshman year won't all be there. My memories will be many of that, just memories.

As family and friends and even myself move on I look back and am thankful for everybody that has made an impact on my life, big or small. I look back at my experiences and how they made me the person I am. I look into the future and pray that it hold half the excitement, entertainment, adventures, and emotions as the past 22 years have had. As I close this chapter and end a new one I can't help but remember words of a dear friend. "People say that these are the best years of our life but I sure hope not because there isn't much to look forward to. I think that we should strive to make the next year better than the last. That way it was always be the best year of your life.... I'm thinking I've got some pretty awesome years ahead of me!

where do i belong?

I'm in this weird limbo with life. I'm living in Nashville yet I'm still a student at Western. I don't want to establish myself in Nashville because this part of my life is so temporary. In May my internship will be over and I'll be over moving on to a new part of life. That may be in Nashville then again it may not. During the week I am perfectly content being in Nashville and doing my internship. I like my internship and really feel like that is where I am supposed to be and what I should be doing right now with my life at this exact time. However, when the weekends come everything gets tricky.

I have my apartment still, I am only 45min-1hour away, and that's where my friends are. That is where my church is. That is where my comfort zone is. I feel like I have a right to be there to hang out with my friends, kick back, relax after a long week of work. At the same time I feel like people think and part of me feels like I should just move on with my life. This is where I am and I don't need to be there all the time. Being in Nashville can provide different opportunities and allow me to meet new people but if I'm not the kid to go out to the bar what do I do?

I'm at such a weird point in my life and not many people understand it. I'm in this place where I have so many decisions to make and one is no more right or wrong than the other its just a matter of what I want to do. Some of you may ask if I'm involving God in my decision making process. My answer to you is that I have never prayed so much in my life as I have in the past month. Honestly, I don't think God cares where I am as long as I'm doing what I should be doing. Just like with a career, it doesn't matter what I'm doing where as long as I'm doing everything I can to glorify Him in it.

I may not figure out where I belong in this process. Its frusterating and makes me emotional. It makes my heart ache. It makes me struggle feeling like I don't have my community around me to be there when I fall and skin my knee, to wrap there arms around me and tell me they love me, to encourage me. The question is where do I belong? Nashville? BG? Louisville? Maybe ill hitchhike on 65 and see where the wind blows me....

a changing life

Life is constantly changing for humans. I see some of my friends with babies and many changing their lifes in order to fit that lifestyle. I see some of my friends getting married and starting their life with the person they love. Then I see many of my friends in situations like myself. We have done the whole college thing and we are moving on to a new stage or we may be finishing college. It's a scary time in our lifes and we don't know what is next. Through college we have experienced our ups and downs but we somehow still remain together. The bond may weaken only to be strengthened again but it never completely breaks.

With my internship getting ready to start in the matter of a few short days and my life is getting ready to change dramatically I've been thinking. If you know me, you know I don't do change well, you know that I get anxious and try to apply the breaks at about this time. However, my past is starting to assure my future.

This change is no different, I'm scared out of my mind and extremely hesitant yet excited to start this new chapter. I feel like it is part 2 to a book series and I just re-read part 1.

- I think back to when I went to college and the feelings I had and how badly I wanted to be home. I think about how much my life has changed in 3.5 short years. How the people I met year after year changed my life and even in my darkest times they were there to show me that no matter what God prevailed.

- I think back to camp and how it has connected my life to the present. I am living with somebody I worked camp for and without camp I may not be in the position I am in today. I think about how God used that summer to change my life and give me friends that would be there for me for the rest of my life. The people I saw day in and day out and the family I made all over the country. I never got so close to people so quickly and trusted them with my life.
*It also makes life interesting when mom trys to remember where everybody is.

- I think to my study abroad experience and how difficult it was to travel across the world with people I had never met before. However, it was an experience I hold near and dear to my heart, an experience that I want to do all over again.

- I think even back to this summer, a summer that changed my life. A summer that I saw the darkest of dark. A summer that I worked, basically for free, a summer that I lost a few friends, and a hero in my grandfather. A summer where it was me and my decisions. I learned that there are good people amongst us who understand that life gets hard. A college life that I got to experience and learn that it is not my life. As much as I may want that life, it is clearly and thankfully not the life for me. They kept me going and believing that everything would be okay until I found my way back to God.

-As I entered my last semester on a campus and in a classroom at the undergraduate level I was fearful. Many of my friends were gone, graduated. My summer life was not one I wanted to continue and I had no idea what God had in store. Once again God gave me hope, in people, in my education, and most importantly in myself. He provided me people to laugh with, cry with, poke fun with, study with, help, grow with, serve with, and act like a child with. People I believe will be by my side not only for the next stage of my life but forever.

Life has been a series of ups and downs and it always will be. Life is constantly changing but I believe that God is big enough and has enough control that there is nothing he can't handle. He is my strength. As I venture on into my next journey I am sure that I may experience fear, troubles, anxiety, and all kinds of mixed emotions God will be there and get me through one way or another.

To those crazy friends of mine, I thank you for not only reading this but being a piece of my adventure so far. Words could never express how thankful I am for each and every one of you and the present ones to come.