Warrior

I'm a competitor, I always have been. I hate losing, I get mad at the fact. I've lost many times, I've been knocked down several times. Every time I fall I tend to get back up and go at it harder than before. Ask my brother, he's seen the physicalness of it before. We'd fight as kids, hed knock me down, and I would go full force into him.

Here's the deal. Ever since my trip I've been a completely different person, at least I've felt like one. Ever since my trip I've been challenged in emotion ways I never expected. Well I expected them I just didn't expect them to be like this. I've learned a lot from them, I've come out of my comfort zone and learned that it's ok to trust people. However, I've gotten to the point of attack. I've gotten to the point where you stand up on your feet, look at the goal, and just say really! Then you say to yourself just dig deeper, go harder, so you take a second and go again. Tonight was that night.

During spring break I started cleaning out my grandparents house. It brought up many emotions but I knew it would, I saw it coming. It's another stage in the morning process. I realized that nobody can be there for me like God can. In those weeks from then til now I've learned that people, even friends can be crappy. People fail but God doesn't.

Many of my closest friends are graduating. I may be leaving in the spring. I'm scared that God's plan for me won't match up with what I want. I'm scared of not having a leadership role year even though I know God has a bigger plan for me. I know that God tells us not to fear. This has all been overwhelming. When things seem as if they are turning around and everybody is coming back together I keep getting hit personally.

Last night my best friend from high school called me out of the blue. It was great talking to her and catching up as random as it was. However, old people, old memories, old emotions that I've buried under the ground for so long were risen from the grave. Things I have not delt with that are affecting the hear and now. Then tonight my mom calls me and tells me a friend of the families is in the ICU and prolly going to die in the next day or two.

I keep getting hit, keep getting up. This was that last hit. I stayed on the ground and just said really. I stopped and said I can't dump anymore on my friends, they've heard me hurt and complain for weeks now. I have to get it together. As all this was going through my head I'm driving and I look over to see one of my best friends driving by. I still feel bad for dumping on my friends, I want to catch a break so I can just stop battling and catch my breath. But bring it on. I've got a God that won't relent. I've got a God that can kick your butt anytime, anywhere. Everytime I fall down my God is the one that gives me the strength to get back up.

Doesn't make things easier but I know that in my weaknesses, He is made strong. At times through this I've felt very weak in myself yet strong in God, at times I've just felt weak. I'm ready for a break but until I get a chance to breath I'll continue to be a warrior.