getting ahead of the game

I kind of feel like a fish out of water or a person just in over their head. Which ever one you prefer. I feel like if one thing isn't bothering me it's something else. When school slows down for just a second I flashback to whats at home and how I haven't seen it in over a month. I think how much my family needs me and how much I need them. I feel like I'm not doing enough and that I'm just away enjoying my life. Truth is I want to be home, I can't wait for Thanksgiving, I can't wait to be surrounded with those I love and that love me unconditionally. I can't wait to see the smiles, I can't wait to hear the pain, and have even more of a reason to celebrate that we can get through it together. The memories that wait with cleaning out a house that sits empty but full of stuff and memories. The hardest part is that I'm leaving my childhood and growing up to an adult.

For years I've never known what I want to do. I know that I want to be in the sports arena. I've picked a place that can get me there and it feels so right. It also scares me to death. Every where I go I here about long hours and all the work you have to put in. As I get older things that never popped into my head are starting to make an appearance. The fact that if I end up in this arena am I going to be able to have a family? Will I be able to enjoy the holidays with my friends and family or will I be forced to be at work? With everything else accounted for who says I can even have a family? Knowing that God has a plan for me doesn't settle my heart. The fear of the unknown is scary. Knowing the something is so right but not completely trusting it makes it feel so wrong.

So much is running through my head. Who is going to be around in a couple of years? What am I going to be doing? Who will I be? Am I making all the right moves and choices right now or am I looking out too much for me? My mind doesn't stop. If its not school or my friends or how to make up for the mistakes I've made its the future, its the problems I can't fix. I know I'm getting ahead of the game. I know these are questions that God already has the answers to but at the same time my heart is burrdened, hurt, and worst of all fearful.