fear

That's all it is...fear. What are you scared of? Me?
The Dark, I blame my brother.
being alone.
missing out.
not doing what I should be.
making major mistakes.

I've been going and going and going for awhile, especially this week. As finals have been taken, bags packed up, and even good byes or see ya laters start but this feeling hadn't set it yet. As the day continued and people continued to leave the feeling started to sink in. You know that anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach, that feeling like whoa lets throw on the breaks. I'm starting to get that feeling. I get it everytime I go outside of my comfort box. Everytime I step into new area of life. Everytime it turns out great, or at least as a good experience. I can do anything but why do I get that anxious feeling? Why do I get that fear?

I don't like change, I never have but sometimes it has to happen. I can't wait to be settled and have consistency. Yes, college has been that for 3.5 years but the first year was rough and people are always coming and going. I just happen to be the person going this time.
I fear things will change like they always do.
that the relationships I've built are going to change.
I fear being left behind as a distant memory and picture on the wall.
I fear not being there in a time of need.
I fear closing myself off again.

the beauty of growing up

Today it hit. I have just been trying not to think about it. Most people know I am moving to Nashville in a little over a month. I am leaving what has been home for 3.5 years. Today as I was driving I found myself looking around thinking, man everything has become so routine, I forget the beauty of what Bowling Green has brought to me, the joy, the friendships, the heartaches, the memories, the stress, the love, the triumphs. 3.5 years of growing into the person I have become through it all. It hit that I won't be driving these roads every day. It hit that I won't be walking up a hill, that I will no longer look at that red thing in the middle of campus and wonder what it is. I will no longer look into the faces of classmates only to see them a few hours later. I will no longer scrounge around looking for people to play in an intramural game so we don't have to forfeit. I will no longer get distracted from studying for a test.

That chapter in my life is over. These things may continue but in a different form. I'm growing up. I'm entering the real world. I get to see my education pay off. I get to see if I can make it on my own. I get to come back and smile because I know that people are still loving their life. I get to come back and be the person tackled to the ground because I was missed. I get take what I have learned at western and apply it. Most are probably thinking of things in a form of education but I'm thinking of things that are so much more.

My friends have taught me how to fight and how to make up. They have taught me how to grow up yet stay a kid. They have taught me how to trust again.

My whole experience has taught me about a God. A god that is always forgiving, that is always there with open arms, a loving God. Through my struggles, through my downfalls, through my sufferings, through my joys, He is there. He has given me the opportunity to see the world, to experience things, to build friendships, to reach outside of my comfort zone only to comfort me in my fears. To never give up because it really is in God's hands and no one elses, not even my own...especially not my own.

As I go on, I continue to grow. I continue to become the person God intended me to be. I will learn new things, I will find new roads to travel and new things to become familiar with. I make new memories. I will wonder new things. It's time for the chapter to close but the book to continue.

The Future

People ask all the time what's next. I even find myself asking the people I'm going to graduate with, well do you know what's next? I've thought and fought all semester trying to figure out what I should do after May. Yeah, I know its kinda far away, but you have to think ahead if you are considering grad school. I've taken all the necessary steps like take the GRE, get letters of recommendation together, finish school strongly.

Lots of people have listened to me stress about Nashville, stress about whats next, stress about life. It's taken a lot out of me, a lot out of my friendships, and a lot out of my parents. I think God for the people in my life that are patient enough with me to stick through it with me. I've been in a lot of thick lately without even knowing it. I can't say how much all of that means to me. The stand beside me in my funny times, usually pointing and laughing but still claiming me. They stand beside me when I fall to catch me or at least pick me up. In the next step of my life, I know they'll be there no matter what that step is but I have to make the decision.

The problem is, the decision... Nothing really feels right. I toss grad school around and it just doesn't seem right, not yet. I think about a job but what, where. I dont know what I want to do with my life or where I want to be. Take a year off? Not really an option. Missions? Maybe, but again I dont know how much of an option that is. Just keep praying and the answer will show itself, my patience is running out even though I really do have all the time in the world.

What is the future? What does the future hold? I dont know, but I'll find out soon enough. I hope you are around to find out and enjoy it with me!

What's next

When somebody asks you what your dream is what's your response? For me I haven't had a response lately. I know that I poor my heart and soul into what I'm good at, what I love. I've always been good at giving my all, at going all in. However, lately I find myself tip toeing in the water, not ready to jump right in.

What's next for me? Nashville. Sports. Graduation. Life.
I've been freaking out lately cause my life is moving fast, faster than I expected. It all came at once, 18 hours in a semester, friends leaving, new friends coming, preparing for Nashville, grad school, GRE, I mean whoa. It sent me into a frenzy of what do I do? I'm not ready for a job, I'm not ready for real life so grad school seems like the right choice but what in? Do I tighten my spectrum and stay in sports, do I broaden my horizions and get my MBA? Where do I go? Am I ready? Did I mention that I'm thinking through all that and trying to enjoy my last semester in what I now call home? Crazy, right!

Truth is, today I looked at it from a whole new perspective. Is this really what I'm supposed to be doing? I've never been able to place myself in a career. I've never been really good at anything. What I love? Sports? yeah. But more than anything I love making a difference, I love seeing that smile when everything else is wrong in the world but just for a second nothing matters but the here and now. It's a beautiful thing, I live for those moments, not in myself but in other people. It makes it worth it. Sure I miss the smell of the dirt on a softbal field or that feeling you get when the buzzer goes off. But even more than that I miss pouring my heart out to somethign that matters.

Most people want to make the big bucks. Most people want to be comfortable. I'm not going to lie, I dont want to live pay check to pay check but I want to make somebody have that smile. You know the little kid smile that everybody has. When life is fun, no stress, no worries, just happiness. Yeah, I know happiness is a mood, not a destination. It comes and goes but I don't know if where I'm headed is the right direction.

I want to make a difference, I'm just not sure how. So whats the next step? Just to wake up and enjoy the day.

it comes and it goes

I have began my senior year of college. It seems like yesterday that I was saying the same thing about high school. My summer is now in the rearview mirror, just a memory but still a strong feeling. I hit a strong emotional patch that is still teaching me constantly. It continually breaks my heart and with every break I come back stronger. A season of difficulty can lead to a season of beauty.

I'm not a big fan of change but not all change is bad. Things are different now but that doesn't mean they are bad. There has always been somebody older to go to, somebody that has been there but now there isn't. I am that person, we are those people. And as much as the "different" seems just that, different, it means that we rely on each other. We always have eachother. We get dirty with each other to find what Christ has in store for our lives. We live together knowing that we aren't perfect, we are flawed, but the beauty of life is that we are forgiven.

God gives us what we need when we need it. He is our provider, our lover, our savior. As he takes away, he gives. He has given me the opportunity to be involved with freshman, with new people on campus. He has given me the opportunity to lead and be there as a person, open, honest, truthful, afraid of no one's judgement but His.

Seasons come and go, people come and go, life comes and goes but God is constant, salvation is forever!

Moving On

Life is a story and every now and then a chapter ends and a new one begins. My current chapter is starting to come to a close. It's kind of scary, stressful, nerve racking, yet exciting and joyous and fun. One of my older friends told me when talking about graduation that you would know when the right time is to move on. I've worried for a while that I would never feel like it was the right time. It is what I have known for the past 4 years and who has made me into the truely independent young adult I am. Plus who really wants to go out into that scarey world, especially by themselves?

I've never known what I wanted to do with my life and to this day I still don't know what my dream job would be. Some days it is to work and plan a summer camp, some days I'd love to be in an office and have a "normal job", and sometimes I would like to do something just completely different from everybody else. I've worked in minor league baseball all summer and in the fall I'll be moving on to somewhere different, something different (TBA). What I have learned in this that I'm ready to move on.

I like to think of being prepared to move on versus just graduating and being thrown into the real world like waking up on your own versus waking up to an alarm clock. Ususally when you wake up on your own you feel more rested and ready to go, kind of like you are on your own time. You make the decision to get out of bed and start the day. When you are prepared to move on you usually know the next step, feel like its on your own time, and have control. Whereas when the alarm clock goes off you are forced to get out of bed and go do whatever you have to do for the day. This is how I compare being thrown into the real world. You are forced into something that you may not be ready for it. You may not like it but you have to do it anyways.

For me I think I finally woke up on my own tonight and found myself ready to move on. I may still be nervous, scared, excited, uneasy, or whatever but I also feel prepared...

thinking like a child

I'm doing some catch up reading for the summer instead of packing to move to my new apt. I like to put off the things I need to do by doing the things I never do. One of those things is reading. The book im reading right now allows for a lot of the outside the box thinking. One thing that hit me is that if you can explain things to kids than you really understand them. Then again the simpler the terms something is in the easier it is to understand.

I've found that this is true with most things in life. Having dealt with kids a lot in the past couple of years I like thinking and acting like a kid. It causes things to be simpler and easier. Kids usually take things for what they are instead of trying to think them through. We are called to approach God with a childlike faith/attitude. We try so often to out think God and get one step ahead but we never can.