Born without a cape

I wasn't born with tights on and a cape around my neck. I'm not a hero. I'm not capable of saving the world and fixing it of it's problems. I'm not even capable of fixing my own. But God is. I'm in the process of moving on. I try to figure out what the problem is and fix it. Is the problem the fact that I left WKU and moved on with my life away from undergrad life and from some of the best friends I'll ever have? Is the problem with the fact that I'm not as busy as I have been during the past 22 years of my life? Is the problem with the fact that I'm still in undergrad or not doing what I have my degree in? Is the problem with the fact that I'm striving for a goal I'm scared I'm not going to reach? Is the problem that I'm doing something and still feel like Im not meeting my full potential? Is the problem that I'm not physically there for my friends? Is the problem that I'm lonely? The answer to all those questions is maybe.

To be honest the real problem is that I'm not where I need to be with Christ. I justify my sins, I justify not putting Him first. I find an excuse I find a way out. Whether its with school, eating right, working out, doing what I want, I justify it. It's time I start taking responsibility for my choices, its time I start filling the gap, that hole, that much needed satisfaction with Christ instead of something else. Nothing else can fix my pain and heal my heart. Nothing and no one can provide the answers I need or allow me to live the life I need to. Even if I could pinpoint the problem and where my emotions are stemming from there would come a point in life where I would have to face the creator. I don't want to have to justify things. I want to come in battled, bruised, beat up, scared, and say thanks for the ride, I did everything I could. I want to face trials with joy. I want to look to Christ before I look to my friends, my parents, and everything else of this world. Nobody's opinion of me matters, I'm serving an almighty God that has already won the war. I'm a treasure to Christ. I can't fix my problems or my hurt. I wasn't born with a cape or tights, I was born with a God who chases after me when I run and seeks after me when I hide. And no matter where I am will always be there same.

It's a battle

I think I have high expectations of people and therefore what they do is never good enough for me. I always want one more thing. I get disappointed and hurt but the reasoning seems so stupid. I want somebody to do the little things for me. It's part of this stage of going in 500 hundred different directions when you are use to doing life side by side and seeing each other every day. It's hard letting go and not being able to be there to see if they are really doing okay or if they are just saying so over the phone. It's hard trying to pick up your own pieces and move on.

I like to use the analogy of water in a cup. A cup can hold so much water but when you put an object in the cup it takes up room and if there was enough water in the cup it may overflow. The water in my cup is/was receding but that object still made my cup overflow. I will survive because I always do. I always find a way out but I just want it to be okay that I'm upset. I want to know that it is okay that I'm struggling. I need my reinforcements.

I understand that I've been a wreck for the past two months really. I understand that something got ahold of me and that I can be a lot to handle when that happens. When I feel I feel hard and long. I can't help but feel that everybody is over it. I've lost friends when I fight through my honest feelings. I'm not prepared to lose these guys. It's easier when I do it myself because the only person I let down is me. It sucks but its easier to hold it in. They want the happy go lucky, everybody lean on me it'll be okay, make things happen, fun version of me. And I'm not there yet and it doesn't help feeling like I have to be or otherwise I let them down. BUT I hate when the people around me feel like they can't share their life with me. It's a two way street and I will always care and I will always want to know your life, no matter where I am, physically or emotionally.

Beginning and End

Life seems kind of stressful right now. I have three test in one day, all of which are the first test. This week has been crazier than a finals week ever has. All study, no play. There are stressors in life as well, but I've learned one thing in this past week. God.

The one word should be enough. As I start out my time at Bellarmine feeling like the beginning is going to be just as intense as the end I find a lot of similarities and comforts in a relationship with Christ. He is the beginning and end, of life, of the universe, of everything. He is the Alpha and the Omega. He is created, savior, and destroyer. He is loving and He is just.

I think my emotions and thoughts have been across the universe and back but I do know one thing. I know that I can't cross a bridge when I have arrived at. I know that no matter what happens God is good and it'll work out how it is supposed because He has a good and perfect plan for my life. I know that even if I throw my life away, God still provides grace. I know that I am loved, no matter what and that failure is only another lesson. I know that growth only occurs in struggle. I know that in Christ I am always victorious even if no one else sees it that.

It all begins with Christ, It all ends with Christ, and the middle doesn't matter as long as you are glorifying Him.

Catch 22

If it isn't one emotion its something else. I've been struggling with school, socialization, and confidence in myself recently. Things are so different here, things are so much harder. However, I'm fighting through it and will prevail. I was okay with it today. I'm not sure why but everything seemed a little more normal and okay. However, it went downhill. I seem to have a nack for making things do that. Prewarning: this is my rant and I'm sorry if it hurts anyone.

I feel like I'm always the person making things happen. They may not fit into my schedule but I always put other people first. I always find a way. I am always going above and beyond looking out for people or making them happy. I'm also trying to encourage them to fight for their dreams. I'm tired of making things happen and nobody making anything happen for me. I'm tired of feeling hurt, I'm tired of feeling. I'm tired of being alone. I'm 22 and ready for what life has to offer, I'm ready for a job, a family. I know its early but I'm ready for the start. I'm ready for my adventure. I wish somebody would put me first, I wish somebody would make things happen for me. It may be a lot to ask for, maybe my expectations are too high, maybe my own confidence is just too low. At the same time I feel like I'm not appreciative of what I have. At the same time I think that I'm not doing enough like I have to impress people, I have to match expectations. At the she time I have to be full of surprises. I'm just not ready for all of that.

I'm ready to run off on an adventure. I'm ready to see the world where all I have is paper, pen, God, and the world. I'm ready to be in a place where I can be me and the only person I can and have to make happy is me. I get so caught up that I forget about pleasing me. I forget about what makes me happy. In the end all of this will be gone and it comes down to you and God. What will there be left to offer? I feel as if I'm in this catch 22 and don't know how to escape. And thats all I want to do...escape. I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of being my own stronghold.

There will always be a constant

A few months ago I decided I needed a change, I decided to do something different. I decided to try and go to PT school. I decided that I'd be leaving what was home for me for 4.5 years and move back to where I'm from. I decided to make that place my home. I decided to go to Bellarmine. I decided to persue something completely different than what I was doing at the time. At times I thought I was crazy, but more than anything I was excited about it. It seemed to fit. Everybody supported me in it, even encouraged me.

I'm here. I'm in school at Bellarmine, I'm in Louisville. I've moved on. I'm scared as hell, I'm doubting myself, and I'm fighting to keep my head above water. I made it a week and am feeling this. Part of me wants to throw in the white towel. Part of me wants to run, far away. The kicker is I'm a fighter, the kicker is I'm not a quitter. I've never been and I never will be, its just not in me to accept failure. I'm gonna bitch, I'm gonna complain, I'm gonna beat myself up, but the thing is I'm gonna keep going no matter how much I don't want to. The only thing that can stop me is the only thing that has kept me going....God.

My friends are amazing, God has blessed me with some of the most incredible people that I don't deserve. For years I prayed for friends like the ones I have now. I got mad when my friends didn't turn out like I expected, but it just goes to prove that God is preparing something better for you. But at the end of the day when the lights are off and I'm all alone the only thing that matters, the only place I find peace is at the feet of my Lord. The only place I find answers, the only place I feel complete comfort is when I'm crying out to Him. Its the only thing that makes sense right now. Knowing that He is my strength, knowing that it'll be okay, knowing that nothing matters as long as I'm living this life for Him.

When everything is changing in my life I panic, I suffer through anxiety, I fight through heartache and doubt but there is always a constant in my life even if I push it away. He will never leave me, He will never forsake me. I'm so thankful for the strength that only God can provide me. I'm so thankful for the fight He is given me. No matter what He'll always my constant.

One Day

One day stands for a lot in my life right now. Many think that one day stands for "one day your prince will come" or something along those lines. Lately I may say they were right but not today. Today that one day stands for how much time is left until I start at Bellarmine, before I become the new kid.

Today that one day says that I one day I will face my inner demons.

One day I'll find myself so in love with whats around me and what I have rather than comparing mine to everyone else's.

One day I'll find myself so in love with God that nothing else will matter.

One day I won't feel like I have to meet expectations or succeed like the rest of my family.

One day I'll do what I love and smile because I know I'm doing what I should be.

One day I'll be able put away my pride, my stubbornness and step up to the plate and serve.

One day I'll be to admit I don't know how to do something and let someone help me.

And naturally I hope one day my prince will come but if that one day never comes I want to be okay with the fact that God has something bigger and better planned for me.

one day....

Jesus Chose Me

Today at church we talked about sin. I was reminded of so many things. This past semester has been a struggle for me, coming back to a place I called home after being gone for a semester. Coming back after everyone, including myself had prepared their hearts for something different. I managed to make a career change in school and will now find myself in school for four more years. I noticed what life is like when big changes occur. I kind of felt like I was in a movie where they showed you what life would have been like if something had changed. Needless to say I've been running from God as soon as I stepped back. I wanted to have fun, I wanted to just live. I wanted to do it all for me. I've been running because I was made to believe I was a sinner. Through low self-esteem and a lot of self doubt I wasn't worthy. I've believed that my sins made me unworthy or unwanted to serve God, even undeserving of the friends that have been placed in my life.

I was reminded this morning that we go through ups and downs, life really is a roller coaster. Sometimes we'll be on highs and sometimes we'll be on lows. They may last a day or years but God is God. God has made me into a Saint that sometimes sins instead of a Sinner. My sin is not my identity, my identity is found in Christ. As insecure as I may be at times and as much as I may tare myself down, God is my security and He is there to pick me up.

I've always wanted to do things for me, even though I may say differently. I've always wanted the credit or the satisfaction. Even though everything is made to glorify God. I've always wanted to follow God but not completely rid myself of my sins. I wanted to hang on to the things of this world instead of give it to God so I can purely give back. Honestly, no matter what I experience, may it be things of my past that I no longer remember because God has taken them or things I felt in my heart yesterday, God is the only thing that has ever and will ever bring true joy and happiness into my heart and into my life. I have tried long enough and hard enough to fill that hole in my life but God will never give up the chase. God will always be there when I turn on my knees, when I realize time after time that He really is the only thing worth living for.

I have felt lately that I have had to had it all figured out before I opened up. That before I admitted I was struggling or feeling hurt or helpless or used that I had to first fix the problem. Before I could say I was empty or in a dry spell I had to have already fixed it. Truth is I know the way to fix my problems. I know to put trust in God and let Him do his thing. I'm holding strong to things of the world, feeling as they can heal my anxiety. I can't seem to let go or when I do something even stronger pours on. We are called in Hebrews to hid ourselves of all things that entangle us but for some reason we hang out to what can physically, mentally, or emotionally comfort us. We can pray God brings us those in a healthy way or that God would rid us of that desire. But do we pray that because we know it's what we should pray or because we truely desire it?

I know what to do, I know the words to say, and the smile to put on my face but living that would be a lie. I want the comfort God gives and I recieve that in His grace but sometimes my selfish desire wins over. Sometimes my eyes get diverted from the prize. God will never leave us nor forsake us. But why do I constantly run? Why do I try and do it on my own even though I fail miserably every time I try to handle something? Why do I throw it on my shoulders instead of rid myself of it? Why does fear stop me? Why do jealousy and selfishness hinder my heart when really what should be there is Christ? The biggest question is why can I confess to an open blog but to nothing else?

No Fear

Did you know that in every book of the bible it talks about fear?
Did you know we are not born with fear but it something we develop over time?
As children we roll down hills, jump off 2 story buildings, run into the street, do the unimaginable until we get hurt.

Two years ago I started this blog talking about my adventure on camp but it was really about dealing with fear. Last year I wrote in this blog about fear with my grandfather dying. 6 months ago I wrote about how fearful I was of being in Nashville and what to do with my life. Now as I sit here in the beginning of another summer I fear. I fear the future because of the unknown. As I flew back from England I realized that I fear jumping out of a plan. I also realize that I fear losing control.

I think about life and the fears it holds; being alone, not succeeding, not doing what is right, letting people down, flat out failing. I also think of all those things and what I have learned from letting people down, failing, being alone. I've seen the strength it gives me. I see that I can't do it alone. I see that God does it through me. As I look/looked for places to go to grad school I feared what I would do with my free time, I feared being along and starting over. More than that I fear not accepting a challenge, not defeating another obstacle. I fear, fear.

As I get older and become more rational about jumping out of a building or off a plane or rolling down a hill I also find myself being hard headed and stubborn. I see myself wanting to push myself just to see if I can stand. God tells us that he will also be with us, he will also provide, he will be our comforter, our all in all, He is all we need. So it shouldn't matter if I'm at home, 2 hours away, or 12 hours away I find comfort that God is there, always and forever. There is no fear when believing and trusting in God. There is only a push to do what is needed to do...for myself, for others, for God.

The Next Chapter

Today, well yesterday I turned 22. Yeah, its not old at all but for the first time I really felt like I was growing up. For the past two weeks I have been having the time of my life, taking lots of pictures, and making a video of what college has included. Yes, all four years of pictures. If you are looking to kill a half hour let me know! I also stumbled across my cousins wedding video.

Today I realized that nothing is going to be the same. If I go back and finish my communications degree or start my masters at WKU or Uofl or find a job or sit on my parents couch, I finished a chapter of my life. Everything seems to be in a whirlwind of change. My brother is moving on to different things, I am making a decision in my life, my extended family is starting families of their own. We have been through it all: deaths, graduations,birthdays, holidays, weddings... what else is there is experience?

I realized that as a left BG today I was saying good bye to many people I love dearly not knowing the next time I will see them. I left BG today knowing that when I return whether it be a few weeks from now or a few months that everything will be different. My friends that were there freshman year won't all be there. My memories will be many of that, just memories.

As family and friends and even myself move on I look back and am thankful for everybody that has made an impact on my life, big or small. I look back at my experiences and how they made me the person I am. I look into the future and pray that it hold half the excitement, entertainment, adventures, and emotions as the past 22 years have had. As I close this chapter and end a new one I can't help but remember words of a dear friend. "People say that these are the best years of our life but I sure hope not because there isn't much to look forward to. I think that we should strive to make the next year better than the last. That way it was always be the best year of your life.... I'm thinking I've got some pretty awesome years ahead of me!

where do i belong?

I'm in this weird limbo with life. I'm living in Nashville yet I'm still a student at Western. I don't want to establish myself in Nashville because this part of my life is so temporary. In May my internship will be over and I'll be over moving on to a new part of life. That may be in Nashville then again it may not. During the week I am perfectly content being in Nashville and doing my internship. I like my internship and really feel like that is where I am supposed to be and what I should be doing right now with my life at this exact time. However, when the weekends come everything gets tricky.

I have my apartment still, I am only 45min-1hour away, and that's where my friends are. That is where my church is. That is where my comfort zone is. I feel like I have a right to be there to hang out with my friends, kick back, relax after a long week of work. At the same time I feel like people think and part of me feels like I should just move on with my life. This is where I am and I don't need to be there all the time. Being in Nashville can provide different opportunities and allow me to meet new people but if I'm not the kid to go out to the bar what do I do?

I'm at such a weird point in my life and not many people understand it. I'm in this place where I have so many decisions to make and one is no more right or wrong than the other its just a matter of what I want to do. Some of you may ask if I'm involving God in my decision making process. My answer to you is that I have never prayed so much in my life as I have in the past month. Honestly, I don't think God cares where I am as long as I'm doing what I should be doing. Just like with a career, it doesn't matter what I'm doing where as long as I'm doing everything I can to glorify Him in it.

I may not figure out where I belong in this process. Its frusterating and makes me emotional. It makes my heart ache. It makes me struggle feeling like I don't have my community around me to be there when I fall and skin my knee, to wrap there arms around me and tell me they love me, to encourage me. The question is where do I belong? Nashville? BG? Louisville? Maybe ill hitchhike on 65 and see where the wind blows me....

a changing life

Life is constantly changing for humans. I see some of my friends with babies and many changing their lifes in order to fit that lifestyle. I see some of my friends getting married and starting their life with the person they love. Then I see many of my friends in situations like myself. We have done the whole college thing and we are moving on to a new stage or we may be finishing college. It's a scary time in our lifes and we don't know what is next. Through college we have experienced our ups and downs but we somehow still remain together. The bond may weaken only to be strengthened again but it never completely breaks.

With my internship getting ready to start in the matter of a few short days and my life is getting ready to change dramatically I've been thinking. If you know me, you know I don't do change well, you know that I get anxious and try to apply the breaks at about this time. However, my past is starting to assure my future.

This change is no different, I'm scared out of my mind and extremely hesitant yet excited to start this new chapter. I feel like it is part 2 to a book series and I just re-read part 1.

- I think back to when I went to college and the feelings I had and how badly I wanted to be home. I think about how much my life has changed in 3.5 short years. How the people I met year after year changed my life and even in my darkest times they were there to show me that no matter what God prevailed.

- I think back to camp and how it has connected my life to the present. I am living with somebody I worked camp for and without camp I may not be in the position I am in today. I think about how God used that summer to change my life and give me friends that would be there for me for the rest of my life. The people I saw day in and day out and the family I made all over the country. I never got so close to people so quickly and trusted them with my life.
*It also makes life interesting when mom trys to remember where everybody is.

- I think to my study abroad experience and how difficult it was to travel across the world with people I had never met before. However, it was an experience I hold near and dear to my heart, an experience that I want to do all over again.

- I think even back to this summer, a summer that changed my life. A summer that I saw the darkest of dark. A summer that I worked, basically for free, a summer that I lost a few friends, and a hero in my grandfather. A summer where it was me and my decisions. I learned that there are good people amongst us who understand that life gets hard. A college life that I got to experience and learn that it is not my life. As much as I may want that life, it is clearly and thankfully not the life for me. They kept me going and believing that everything would be okay until I found my way back to God.

-As I entered my last semester on a campus and in a classroom at the undergraduate level I was fearful. Many of my friends were gone, graduated. My summer life was not one I wanted to continue and I had no idea what God had in store. Once again God gave me hope, in people, in my education, and most importantly in myself. He provided me people to laugh with, cry with, poke fun with, study with, help, grow with, serve with, and act like a child with. People I believe will be by my side not only for the next stage of my life but forever.

Life has been a series of ups and downs and it always will be. Life is constantly changing but I believe that God is big enough and has enough control that there is nothing he can't handle. He is my strength. As I venture on into my next journey I am sure that I may experience fear, troubles, anxiety, and all kinds of mixed emotions God will be there and get me through one way or another.

To those crazy friends of mine, I thank you for not only reading this but being a piece of my adventure so far. Words could never express how thankful I am for each and every one of you and the present ones to come.

fear

That's all it is...fear. What are you scared of? Me?
The Dark, I blame my brother.
being alone.
missing out.
not doing what I should be.
making major mistakes.

I've been going and going and going for awhile, especially this week. As finals have been taken, bags packed up, and even good byes or see ya laters start but this feeling hadn't set it yet. As the day continued and people continued to leave the feeling started to sink in. You know that anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach, that feeling like whoa lets throw on the breaks. I'm starting to get that feeling. I get it everytime I go outside of my comfort box. Everytime I step into new area of life. Everytime it turns out great, or at least as a good experience. I can do anything but why do I get that anxious feeling? Why do I get that fear?

I don't like change, I never have but sometimes it has to happen. I can't wait to be settled and have consistency. Yes, college has been that for 3.5 years but the first year was rough and people are always coming and going. I just happen to be the person going this time.
I fear things will change like they always do.
that the relationships I've built are going to change.
I fear being left behind as a distant memory and picture on the wall.
I fear not being there in a time of need.
I fear closing myself off again.

the beauty of growing up

Today it hit. I have just been trying not to think about it. Most people know I am moving to Nashville in a little over a month. I am leaving what has been home for 3.5 years. Today as I was driving I found myself looking around thinking, man everything has become so routine, I forget the beauty of what Bowling Green has brought to me, the joy, the friendships, the heartaches, the memories, the stress, the love, the triumphs. 3.5 years of growing into the person I have become through it all. It hit that I won't be driving these roads every day. It hit that I won't be walking up a hill, that I will no longer look at that red thing in the middle of campus and wonder what it is. I will no longer look into the faces of classmates only to see them a few hours later. I will no longer scrounge around looking for people to play in an intramural game so we don't have to forfeit. I will no longer get distracted from studying for a test.

That chapter in my life is over. These things may continue but in a different form. I'm growing up. I'm entering the real world. I get to see my education pay off. I get to see if I can make it on my own. I get to come back and smile because I know that people are still loving their life. I get to come back and be the person tackled to the ground because I was missed. I get take what I have learned at western and apply it. Most are probably thinking of things in a form of education but I'm thinking of things that are so much more.

My friends have taught me how to fight and how to make up. They have taught me how to grow up yet stay a kid. They have taught me how to trust again.

My whole experience has taught me about a God. A god that is always forgiving, that is always there with open arms, a loving God. Through my struggles, through my downfalls, through my sufferings, through my joys, He is there. He has given me the opportunity to see the world, to experience things, to build friendships, to reach outside of my comfort zone only to comfort me in my fears. To never give up because it really is in God's hands and no one elses, not even my own...especially not my own.

As I go on, I continue to grow. I continue to become the person God intended me to be. I will learn new things, I will find new roads to travel and new things to become familiar with. I make new memories. I will wonder new things. It's time for the chapter to close but the book to continue.

The Future

People ask all the time what's next. I even find myself asking the people I'm going to graduate with, well do you know what's next? I've thought and fought all semester trying to figure out what I should do after May. Yeah, I know its kinda far away, but you have to think ahead if you are considering grad school. I've taken all the necessary steps like take the GRE, get letters of recommendation together, finish school strongly.

Lots of people have listened to me stress about Nashville, stress about whats next, stress about life. It's taken a lot out of me, a lot out of my friendships, and a lot out of my parents. I think God for the people in my life that are patient enough with me to stick through it with me. I've been in a lot of thick lately without even knowing it. I can't say how much all of that means to me. The stand beside me in my funny times, usually pointing and laughing but still claiming me. They stand beside me when I fall to catch me or at least pick me up. In the next step of my life, I know they'll be there no matter what that step is but I have to make the decision.

The problem is, the decision... Nothing really feels right. I toss grad school around and it just doesn't seem right, not yet. I think about a job but what, where. I dont know what I want to do with my life or where I want to be. Take a year off? Not really an option. Missions? Maybe, but again I dont know how much of an option that is. Just keep praying and the answer will show itself, my patience is running out even though I really do have all the time in the world.

What is the future? What does the future hold? I dont know, but I'll find out soon enough. I hope you are around to find out and enjoy it with me!

What's next

When somebody asks you what your dream is what's your response? For me I haven't had a response lately. I know that I poor my heart and soul into what I'm good at, what I love. I've always been good at giving my all, at going all in. However, lately I find myself tip toeing in the water, not ready to jump right in.

What's next for me? Nashville. Sports. Graduation. Life.
I've been freaking out lately cause my life is moving fast, faster than I expected. It all came at once, 18 hours in a semester, friends leaving, new friends coming, preparing for Nashville, grad school, GRE, I mean whoa. It sent me into a frenzy of what do I do? I'm not ready for a job, I'm not ready for real life so grad school seems like the right choice but what in? Do I tighten my spectrum and stay in sports, do I broaden my horizions and get my MBA? Where do I go? Am I ready? Did I mention that I'm thinking through all that and trying to enjoy my last semester in what I now call home? Crazy, right!

Truth is, today I looked at it from a whole new perspective. Is this really what I'm supposed to be doing? I've never been able to place myself in a career. I've never been really good at anything. What I love? Sports? yeah. But more than anything I love making a difference, I love seeing that smile when everything else is wrong in the world but just for a second nothing matters but the here and now. It's a beautiful thing, I live for those moments, not in myself but in other people. It makes it worth it. Sure I miss the smell of the dirt on a softbal field or that feeling you get when the buzzer goes off. But even more than that I miss pouring my heart out to somethign that matters.

Most people want to make the big bucks. Most people want to be comfortable. I'm not going to lie, I dont want to live pay check to pay check but I want to make somebody have that smile. You know the little kid smile that everybody has. When life is fun, no stress, no worries, just happiness. Yeah, I know happiness is a mood, not a destination. It comes and goes but I don't know if where I'm headed is the right direction.

I want to make a difference, I'm just not sure how. So whats the next step? Just to wake up and enjoy the day.

it comes and it goes

I have began my senior year of college. It seems like yesterday that I was saying the same thing about high school. My summer is now in the rearview mirror, just a memory but still a strong feeling. I hit a strong emotional patch that is still teaching me constantly. It continually breaks my heart and with every break I come back stronger. A season of difficulty can lead to a season of beauty.

I'm not a big fan of change but not all change is bad. Things are different now but that doesn't mean they are bad. There has always been somebody older to go to, somebody that has been there but now there isn't. I am that person, we are those people. And as much as the "different" seems just that, different, it means that we rely on each other. We always have eachother. We get dirty with each other to find what Christ has in store for our lives. We live together knowing that we aren't perfect, we are flawed, but the beauty of life is that we are forgiven.

God gives us what we need when we need it. He is our provider, our lover, our savior. As he takes away, he gives. He has given me the opportunity to be involved with freshman, with new people on campus. He has given me the opportunity to lead and be there as a person, open, honest, truthful, afraid of no one's judgement but His.

Seasons come and go, people come and go, life comes and goes but God is constant, salvation is forever!

Moving On

Life is a story and every now and then a chapter ends and a new one begins. My current chapter is starting to come to a close. It's kind of scary, stressful, nerve racking, yet exciting and joyous and fun. One of my older friends told me when talking about graduation that you would know when the right time is to move on. I've worried for a while that I would never feel like it was the right time. It is what I have known for the past 4 years and who has made me into the truely independent young adult I am. Plus who really wants to go out into that scarey world, especially by themselves?

I've never known what I wanted to do with my life and to this day I still don't know what my dream job would be. Some days it is to work and plan a summer camp, some days I'd love to be in an office and have a "normal job", and sometimes I would like to do something just completely different from everybody else. I've worked in minor league baseball all summer and in the fall I'll be moving on to somewhere different, something different (TBA). What I have learned in this that I'm ready to move on.

I like to think of being prepared to move on versus just graduating and being thrown into the real world like waking up on your own versus waking up to an alarm clock. Ususally when you wake up on your own you feel more rested and ready to go, kind of like you are on your own time. You make the decision to get out of bed and start the day. When you are prepared to move on you usually know the next step, feel like its on your own time, and have control. Whereas when the alarm clock goes off you are forced to get out of bed and go do whatever you have to do for the day. This is how I compare being thrown into the real world. You are forced into something that you may not be ready for it. You may not like it but you have to do it anyways.

For me I think I finally woke up on my own tonight and found myself ready to move on. I may still be nervous, scared, excited, uneasy, or whatever but I also feel prepared...

thinking like a child

I'm doing some catch up reading for the summer instead of packing to move to my new apt. I like to put off the things I need to do by doing the things I never do. One of those things is reading. The book im reading right now allows for a lot of the outside the box thinking. One thing that hit me is that if you can explain things to kids than you really understand them. Then again the simpler the terms something is in the easier it is to understand.

I've found that this is true with most things in life. Having dealt with kids a lot in the past couple of years I like thinking and acting like a kid. It causes things to be simpler and easier. Kids usually take things for what they are instead of trying to think them through. We are called to approach God with a childlike faith/attitude. We try so often to out think God and get one step ahead but we never can.

slowly but surely

Most people know that I'm stubborn, hard headed, and extremely independent. I'm going to do things on my own time and when I'm ready. I've been this way ever since I was a little kid. I mean there is a picture of me in my crib when I first learned how to pull myself up that says it all. Now 21 years old why should anything be any different? It make take me a while but eventually I come around and get my head on straight. Lots has happened this summer and I may not be exactly where I need to be but I'm finally feeling like there is an upswing. Here are some of my personal realizations I've made if not the past few days, ive realized them this summer.

1) When times get tough it becomes tough to know who to depend on to be there. I've learned that God will always be there, yeah its a reoccuring lesson but sometimes it needs to be reinforced.

2) I've relyed on people or materalistic things to get me through when really the only thing that will is Christ.

3) It's okay to be upset and mad at God as long as you don't deny the truth that He sent His one and only son to die for you and your screw ups.

4)The hard things in life come to make us stronger, without them where would we be? how would we learn? how would we grow?

5)I need to stop thinking that people are going to leave, I've really found solid friends that are going to be there no matter what.

6) No matter how fast we try to run from God, He will always be there. The famous saying you can run but you can't hide doesn't apply to Him.

7)I've decided that I try and do too much instead of listening but really letting God have control over it all. I'm a fixer and a doer but really I can't fix or do anything, it's all God.

8)As humans we have a tendency to listen tell people what they want to hear instead of what they need to hear.

9)I've learned that we don't always push people towards Christ like we should, we tend to just let people say what they want.

10) I personally feel like we don't say or show people love enough. So much of the time all someone needs to hear is I love you followed by a hug. People seem to busy to stop and make sure that the people they truely care about feel loved and cared about.

Some of these have to do with what I have been going through lately. Some have to do with dealing with the death of multiple people I've known this summer, some have to do with friendships and people moving on, some have to do with the disappointments I've met this summer. All of them in one way or another deal with the ups and downs of christianity and that as a 21 year old college student striving to be a christian in the midst of lifes curveballs.

God will never leave you or forsake you. My God is just that MY GOD. the last sermon I listened to of my grandfather's is psalm 23. In it He talks about how God is after you. He will put all the sheep away and go searching for the lost the sheep. To be honest I've felt like the last sheep lately. However, I had my wake up call a couple of days ago. It may take me awhile but I catch on eventually. The walk up the mountain isn't always easy but I know I'll be stronger for it.